Today is the three year mark of Aires’ accident. It’s the day that changed life as we knew it forever. Today, June 6th and June 8th are the hardest days of the year. I know most people say, use the date of death as a day to celebrate his life. We celebrate his life and his memory every day. And even though I still celebrate Aires’ life on these two very hard days, I also have to acknowledge my pain.
This day is hard because it’s the day that I knew Aires was never coming back to us. I know that people had hope and people kept giving me comforting words and hopeful words, but I knew. The moment I walked into the hospital room and looked at him, I knew he was gone. Something that I don’t know if I ever mentioned before, but today I was very aware of it, I remember looking at him and knowing he was gone from his body, but he was in the room. I felt his presence and I felt his anger and anguish. I remember telling him in my thoughts that I couldn’t handle his anger, because my own was taking over every cell of my being. I remember feeling his anguish along with my own as we both knew that he was gone forever, there was no coming back from that kind of injury.
I was angry at Aires for having fallen asleep when we talked about it so many times, just pull over and sleep in the car. I was angry at him for staying out so late when he had had a late week and he knew he was tired. I was angry at myself for not having called when I went to bed, maybe he would have come home earlier. I was angry that he was driving his truck instead of his car, the truck had no airbags. I was angry that my children would not have a dad growing up, they are boys, they need their dad, they were cheated out of a full happy life. I was angry at God for many different reasons, but this one I will keep between me and God. I was angry at the world, at Karma, at anything and everything in the universe that had any influence in the accident.
I was in shock, I went into a state of denial for my own protection, and I started suppressing a lot of feelings and emotions. I will let them out slowly, as I am ready to deal with them. The most important thing for now is to get the boys through life, get them grown and into their own individual lives, then I’ll have plenty of time to deal with myself. Until then, I deal with things as they come, every once in a while I deal with something that just comes up whether I like it or not, like the memory of the anger and anguish I felt from Aires that day when I arrived in the hospital room.
During our time in the hospital there were many doctors that came and went as the different shifts changed, I liked some, I hated some, I almost punched one, I had to hold my hands together. We had the DNR in place, then we took the DNR off because there was some “progress”. Throughout the whole process, I knew there was no hope, I knew he was gone, but I still went with the flow. I didn’t know why, it was what the doctors were suggesting, it was what everyone was telling me to do, keep hope alive, it was what family and friends wanted. But I knew. And then the people from the organ donation came, it became clear to me why we were holding on, not because Aires would ever come back to us, but because he was supposed to save some lives on his way out.
I can’t decide which day is worst for me, today or two days from now. Because for me, today is the day Aires was gone, but he didn’t actually pass away until the 8th. It’s basically three days of very sad memories and there’s not one better than the other.
What I know for sure is, the boys and I are doing okay. The boys are doing great in school and in their lives. They are well adjusted, they talk about daddy frequently, they bring him up in conversation, they have memories that they cherish. I am trying to keep it all together and trying to keep my promise to them that although everything had changed forever, I would do my best to keep everything, our life plan, the same, as much as I possibly could. I also know that we would not be doing this okay without the love and support of our dear friends, friends who have become family. My tribe is amazing, their love and support has carried me through the hardest times of my life, they didn’t ask, they just did, and they did a lot! They are still doing it to this day. It’s the little things, a simple gesture that shows us that they are holding us in their heart. For Jake especially, maybe he was the youngest and people’s gestures showed him they cared. To this day, when something is left at the door, he wants to know who left it and why. He often tells me that I have the best friends! Awesome friends! Thoughtful friends! And he is right, I really do.
I know it’s not nearly enough, but all I can say is Thank You!