Going in

I guess at some point I need to start visiting or revisiting all the things I’ve been putting away behind imaginary closed doors and stuffing down deep as to not have to deal with them.  It’s been two years, I’ve dealt with all the pertinent things, I’ve done all that I had to do (no choice in putting those away), and whether I like it or not, it’s time to start dealing with all the baggage I’ve put away for “later”.

One of these things is the boys’ birthday albums.  Yes, granted that at the beginning I didn’t do them because I didn’t have the time, and let’s face it, not having time is the greatest excuse in the world.  I can keep myself so busy that I don’t have time to sleep, so this was not hard to do.  And even though I didn’t notice it at the time, the real reason why I didn’t want to do the albums was because I didn’t want to relive all the feelings and the emotions, the change from happy family to very sad times.  I’ve become so good at this denial thing that I can even trick myself.

Yesterday, as I had some time on my hands, I decided it was a good time to finish downloading the pictures and finish putting together Josh’s 12-13 year old album.  I had started it already, so obviously at some point there was a conscious, or not so conscious decision on my part to not put the album together.  It all started just fine, but then I started to find myself getting anxious, and stressed, but I couldn’t figure out why.  It was one of those moments, that I had to stop and figure myself out, try to figure out what was wrong with me, why was I so anxious?  Then I realized that I was getting awfully close to June… The pictures of the funeral were coming up, and the vacation that followed without Aires and everything else that followed without Aires.  At that point I had to stop and not work on the album anymore.  I was done!  Again.

But, and there’s always a but, during the afternoon, Josh had seen me working on his album and told me how happy he was that he was finally going to get his albums.  The thing is, both boys love their yearly albums, their year in review, it brings back the memories of all they did things that they even forgot they did.  They love to look at their albums every so often, it’s a tradition that they cherish.  So, once again, like so many times before, and many more to come I’m sure, I picked myself up, I put on my big girl panties and I continued to work on the album.  I can’t say that today was easy, I can’t say that going through all the emotions of seeing the funeral pictures was easy, or that it didn’t break my heart to once again look at the vacation pictures of the three of us, not four.  To feel all those emotions again as if it was the first time, to relive it all as if I was there at that moment again.  What I ended up doing was I worked on a page, then I went to cook, or clean, or take care of the dogs, or do laundry, or whatever else I had to do.  I didn’t get very far, I’m only half way through our beach vacation.  Breaking it up to one page at a time helped keep the anxiety down and all the emotions to not just keep on building up.  I gave myself many breaks so as to not completely break down.

I want to do this, I want to finish the albums, the boys love them and I want to do it for them.  It’s been two years, but it still feels like it was yesterday.  Most importantly, I have to allow myself to start opening some of these doors that I’ve closed, I have to start dealing with the things and the issues that were not as important two years ago, even a year ago.  But these are things that I still have to deal with, however big or small they are, I know it’s not healthy to just let things linger.

I wasn’t going to write this blog, but then again I couldn’t go to sleep, I felt that it was something I needed to get off my chest, to admit to the world that I have too many closed doors and that I need to start dealing with all those doors.  Maybe it’s to keep me accountable to myself, now that I’ve said it “out loud”, maybe all the stress and anxiety from working on the album is keeping me awake.  Either way, here it is universe, I recognize that it’s time to start opening some denial doors, some “I can’t deal with this right now” doors, and some “I just don’t even want to think about it or acknowledge it” doors.