Today was hard, goes without saying, I’m sure nobody thinks today was easy. Actually “today” has been hard for about a month now, the expectation of this day has been hurting for a while. It hurts every year on this day, but today was special, it was 25 years of marriage, 25 years of love, our silver anniversary. I have been saving my grandmother’s 25th wedding anniversary band to start wearing today. I did, but it doesn’t feel the same as if I actually had a husband present in this world next to me.
For many years I envisioned this year, being the planner that I am, I was planning a special trip for the two of us. Every year we went away for our anniversary, whether it be an overnight, or a short trip, we made sure to take the time to celebrate us, alone, like it was before we had kids. This was after all a special year, it had to be celebrated special. Instead, I went to work, ran errands, fed the boys, went to back to school night for Josh, ran to Target for some more school supplies that Josh just came home needing and finally got home at 10pm. It was a very long day, a regular day, nothing special about it, nothing celebratory about it. It was a sad day, though I put my happy face on, after all the people at work didn’t need to see me mope around all day. It was a hollow day, I felt empty the entire time. I miss him every day, I’ve felt like half a person for two years, but on day like this, I actually feel completely empty.
I knew it had been a horrible day for me when on the way home from Target, the song Despacito started and I started crying listening to the lyrics. I’ve been dancing in the car and enjoying this song all summer long. Tonight the lyrics had a whole different meaning. Like many things in life, I never know when something small is going to hit and knock me out. This song did it tonight, the words were all about what I’ve been missing for two year, not about what they were actually meant to be.
I have to say though, as usual, my friends came through for me, as they always have. These girls are the best, they will do anything for me, they have proven it many times over. Anything I need, they are there, I could not have gotten to where I am today without their support and unconditional love. Many years ago, while watching an episode of the Golden Girls, I had to idea to host a “wear your wedding dress again party” for our 25th anniversary. It was always meant to be a girls party, not a couples. Even though it had nothing to do with Aires, it had everything to do with Aires. I had decided to make an excuse and not have a party, but my friends asked if I was having it, they encouraged me to have it, so I did. I’m glad I did, I would have regretted not having it, and let’s face it, I needed to deal with the pain that I was trying to hide from. Hiding from pain doesn’t make it go away, just hides it, puts it in denial until one day it all comes bursting out.
Taking my wedding dress out of the preservation box, all the memories, so many happy and silly memories from that beautiful day when I joined my soulmate forever. Having it hanging in the closet for a week, seeing it every day, it had the usual effect that every good memory has, it was beautiful and painful at the same time. Of course the wedding dresses didn’t fit, that was the whole point, that’s why it was funny, that’s why I wanted to have the party. Wearing that dress again, so many emotions came through me. For the first half of the party, I was busy, distracted, in denial, I kept just pushing forward and trying to have fun with the funny silliness going on around me (we did look hilarious). But towards the end of the night, I don’t think my fake smile was tricking anybody. The sadness was coming through, whether I wanted it to or not. But my awesome friends carried me through, they looked silly for me, they laughed with me, they made sure that I did what I needed to do, they supported me the way I need it.
I know people look at me on a daily basis and I look okay, they assume that I’m doing good. And that’s fine, because that’s what I want to happen. It’s a weird dichotomy really, I am in essence two people. I’m the person who lives down deep, who loves and misses Aires every second of every day. This person is sad, all the time, the one thing that could make this person happy, can never happen. But at the same time, I can’t go through life being sad all the time, both for myself and for the boys. I have to live life for/with them. I have to give myself a break and enjoy the life that I have left, I may not like living it “alone”, but I owe it to myself and my boys to be the best me, the happiest me, the loveliest me that I can be. There are days, many days, that I have to make a conscious decision in the morning to change my mood. There are days, that I get up and I’m ready to go in a good mood already. These are what they are, the start of the day happy days are slowly increasing, that’s a good sign. It doesn’t mean I’m getting over it, it will NEVER happen, it means I’m learning how to live this new life of mine a little emotionally easier on myself.
Today was a sad day, it’s just what it is. I wore the keepsake necklace with Aires’ ashes, it’s the closes I can have him physically to me, it helped, not by much, but it helped. I touched it all day long, at work, after work, I’m still doing it as I type this. The only thing that helps me, is that I continue to feel Aires’ presence around me, around us. It’s not much, but it’s something, I may be grasping at straws, but it keeps me going.