The not so distant future.

I’ve been trying to get myself together enough to write this post for two weeks.  I just got all the air kicked out of me, and every time I’ve attempted to start writing (which was almost every day since two weeks ago), I couldn’t bring myself to type it.  It’s not like it’s a new thing, not a new “discovery” about myself, I’ve known it and have tried to deal with it since day one.  But for some reason it just hit me in the face, hard.

Two weeks ago, Monday, we were in Cocoa Beach, I dropped off the boys at surf camp and went back home.  I got myself ready to go to the beach and off I went.  I walked the two blocks that took me to the beach, I laid my towel down and laid down, as I always do.  It felt weird, alone, lonely.  I kept checking my phone, but I had no signal, I was afraid something would happen, the camp people would try to get in touch with me, and couldn’t.  So after an hour and turning my phone on and off a few times, I just got up and went back home.  It was on my way home that I figured out why I was feeling so weird.

It felt that I was already alone, as in the boys are all grown up and out of the house, on their own.  I got a glimpse into my future and it felt so sad and lonely.  It didn’t help that when I got home, I showered and ate lunch alone again.  I’ve always known that one day it’ll be me an whatever dog I have at the time.  This implies being alone and lonely at the same time.  This is why I can’t see my future after the boys leave home.  The old plan is out the window, I’ll have to come up with a new plan, but I have no idea what that is.  The unknown is hard to imagine, hard to deal with at this point.

I’ve had nightmares about this, a couple over the last two weeks.  I don’t know why it hit me so hard and all of the sudden.  It’s not like I haven’t know that this will happen, it’s not like I haven’t been home alone since Aires passed.  I know nothing of the future, all I know is that I have a few long years ahead to figure it out, while still having the presence of the boys at home with me.

I’ve said it before, that I’m good at compartmentalizing my feelings and emotions, things that I need to deal with.  I close a door on it and don’t deal with it until I can deal with it.  I don’t think I was ready to deal with all those feelings yet, but being in the situation of being alone away from home and at the beach kind of formed a perfect storm.

Hopefully, now that I’ve put it out there, said it out loud, dealt with it for two weeks, hopefully now I can start to deal with it and not have it behind a closed door anymore.   Maybe it’s okay that I don’t have a plan, and it’s okay that I don’t know what I’ll do when the boys leave.  Maybe for once it’s okay that I don’t have a plan and just go with the flow.  I don’t know, but I do know that I’ve had a hard two weeks of self therapy, lots of emotions and emotional moments, I can hopefully not be so afraid to deal with it.