I’ve said it out loud

The blog is working again, here it goes.  I know I’ve not written in a long time, it was on purpose.  Long story… long, when I started working, I had no idea how emotionally demanding this job would be.  I was already at an emotional deficit, keeping it together became very hard.  There were crazy mood swings, there were days I don’t know how I got out of bed and went to work, there were days when my brain just didn’t work at all, there were many days of not being able to catch my breath.  The saying goes “I’m holding on my a thread”, I had lost the thread, I couldn’t see the thread anymore, I was sinking quickly and had no idea how to stop it.  Winter break came, the holidays along with it, life became more emotional demanding and finally I had to sit with myself and figure out a way to survive.  It was obvious to me that I couldn’t deal with the emotional demands of me, the boys and the job.  So, I put myself in the back burner.  Like the therapist used to tell Jake, put it behind a door, close the door and you can deal with it when you get home from school.  Except, I put it behind a closed door and didn’t deal with it until now.

I knew the day was coming, I could see June coming around, but I still ignored it. Then one day, a good friend asked if I wanted to have my girls come over one night this week, to distract me, show me love, show me I’m not as alone as I feel.  And then there it was, all of the sudden I started talking to her about it, and I said it out loud.  It became real right then and there.  All the weight came back on my shoulders, all my emotions flooded back in a hurry, it was a hard afternoon.  But let’s face it, I needed to accept it, just because I ignore it, doesn’t mean the day doesn’t still come around.  I gave myself a quick talk and the planning began for what to do with the boys, to celebrate daddy’s life.  That was another challenge, we usually go to a restaurant that we used to go to as a family, that part was easy. But I wanted to find something more, that’s when I came across the garden stones, and they were perfect.

The one thing we’ve always done, because it’s what Aires would want us to do, is we’ve kept life going as close to normal as we can without him being part of it physically.  Tomorrow, Thursday, the day that Aires actually passed away, that is the day we celebrate his life, because that is the day we lost his life.  But tomorrow is Josh’s 8th grade dance.  I will be volunteering at Jake’s school first, helping set up for the promotion on Friday, then I will be volunteering at Josh’s school serving dinner for the 8th grade dance.  The dance will end at 9, it will be too late to go to dinner.  We decided that we should go to dinner yesterday, on the day of the accident.  It was perfect, the boys had golf, they played 9 holes, golf was one of daddy’s favorite things in the world.  Then we went to dinner at Bonefish, Jake’s choice, we had many family dinners there over the years.  When we came home, we opened the box with the stones, that was the first time the boys saw them.  They loved them, and were happy to have one to put in the front yard, one in the back.  No matter where we are, there’s a stone there with us, and daddy loved our yard, landscaping and doing yard work, it’s so meant to be that there are stones celebrating him out there.

Tomorrow is going to be hard, but will go fast for sure, with all the stuff I have going on all day.  Ever since I said it out loud, I’ve been hearing the loud, violent thunder that was going on outside when Aires passed away.  I don’t know what that means, but I do know that it’s like a background noise always in my head.

I have to thank you all who helped me through this rough rough year.  I can’t believe that tomorrow will be my last day with this class.  I couldn’t have made it without all the support from those around me.  There were many days this year that I didn’t even know how I felt, there were just too many things going on all at once.  I wanted to just quit, quit life, quit everything, just lay in bed and be done.  But thanks to all the help and support behind me, here I am, done with the second year of being without the love of my life, and done with the first year back to work.


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