Now that 2016 is over, I started reflecting on it, and it turns out, it was not a very good year for certain things, but a wonderful year for others.
Let’s start with the wonderful, my babies. Josh and Jake both overcame many obstacles in the road of learning how to deal with loss, learning how to live life celebrating daddy, all the while hurting and missing him at every turn. They had to learn how to deal with the pain, how to make it part of who they are in order to move forward. I dare say even, how to turn some of that pain into joy when we talk about daddy, what would he say, what would he do if he was here. There were a lot of remember when… moments and the hopeful/happy/heartbreaking moments of “I felt like someone pushed me to do it…”, “I saw a butterfly and then I had the strength…”, “I screwed up and there was that butterfly, telling me it was okay…”, “I heard daddy’s voice in my head…”, and so many others. They kept up with their school work, never missing a beat when it came to their grades. I reinforce all the time “for as much as everything has changed forever, we’re going to try to live as if nothing has changed”, which simply means that we’re going to keep the life plan we had before daddy passed away, the aspirations, plans, dreams, everything that we wanted and envisioned for our lives, we’re going to stick to the plan. I worry about them a lot, I keep a close eye on them, I want to make sure that they deal with their pain, but pain does not become who they are. I’m so proud of them for overcoming the unthinkable, the unimaginable, for continuing to move forward in a positive way, to be the boys that daddy is so proud of as well.
As for the furbabies, Apollo outgrew his limp, thank goodness! He will never be the long distance walker, much less the runner, but it’s okay, neither is mommy. Rocky can go for runs and bike rides with Josh, and they can both go for regular walks with mama. Other than the little things here and there, they are both happy, healthy and spoiled rotten 🙂 Just the way mama likes it.
As for me, I can say, without a doubt that this has been the hardest year of my entire life thus far. There’s a good argument for 2015 having been the hardest, but after living through 2016, it was worse. Half of 2015 was still great, compared to 2016 it was absolute perfection. The second half of 2015 was pure hell on earth, but it was also full of so much denial, exhaustion, distractions, confusion, legal issues, it was a whirlwind, everything happening at once. In 2016 things calmed down a lot. It wasn’t totally calm, there was still all the Estate things to deal with and finish (finally finishing it up this month, yes, it’s been a year and a half!!!!), there were taxes, there were a lot of different things that finally reached a conclusion. But most of it was taken care of, and things calmed down, there was more time to think, more time to realize that this wasn’t a dream after all, reality really sunk in. There were all the sports and activities to deal with as one parent with two children, and even though a lot of people offered to help, I’m not used to being the one who needs/asks for help, I’m the one who helps. Life also gets in the way, and though people have the best intentions when they offer to help, schedules don’t align, which is totally understandable, I never expected anything different, not trying to blame anybody here, just another example of how though surrounded by awesome people, I felt alone.
More and more I did and I did and I did, I could not understand why I was so busy, but I was, it wasn’t made up stuff either, I would go go go until midnight or later, every day of the week, non stop. And yes, I was busy because on the one hand I refuse to slow down, I still want to do it all. But also, and I realize that now, because I didn’t want to slow down, slowing down means that I have to face reality head on, if I’m busy, I can just concentrate on what I’m busy with and keep going without having much free time to think about life. With all this business came the point of exhaustion, the feeling that I can’t take anymore, that I need a vacation from life, a vacation of course that I refuse to take, and so I keep going. I was thinking about it the other day, there are days, when things just aren’t going right, when I feel like a china vase that broke into little pieces. Then the little pieces were all put back together, but are being held with simple scotch tape. And as the days go by, more and more happens, it’s as if someone is filling the vase with sand, and when it’s full, they pat it down hard and put some more it, then pat it down again and put some more in… and it feels like the scotch tape isn’t going to hold for long.
There’s also the loneliness, there’s just no way around that. I could be surrounded by all my friends, I could be in a room that is full of my wonderful friends who are like family to me, and I would still feel lonely. Because the one person who could take away that loneliness will never be able to do so. Living like this for a year and a half now, has given way to depression, and that put together with the stress of everyday life, and stress of… I don’t know everything, it got me to the point of “I don’t care”. I started to eat to quiet down the stress and the pain, after all, who do I have to look good for? I just let go, I stopped caring, I stopped taking care of myself, I guess at some point I had to drop one of the juggling balls, and that ball was me. Now I’m at the point that everything hurts, I don’t feel good, none of my clothes fit, I can’t look at myself in the mirror or pictures, I’ve hit rock bottom. I had to ask myself what I was going to do, I can’t keep going this way, and the first thought that came to my mind was that being overweight has been linked to getting cancer. I hope that thought scared me straight, I have to turn myself around, figure out a way to deal with all this crap that is going on inside my head, all the stress, the loneliness, the unhappiness, the misery, the everything horrible. It’s like I have a split brain, half is so happy and proud of my babies, the other half just wants to curl up in the corner and disappear.
The second year is worst than the first, that has become apparent. I have to figure out how to deal with myself, how to make this be something that I live with, something that gets incorporated/assimilated into my life, not something that takes over my life. Wish me luck for 2017, I’m hoping that I can keep up with the goals that I have for myself. These came from the conversation that I had with myself yesterday and today, yes, I do talk to myself, a lot… that’s why there’s a Me, Myself and I, between the three of us, I can usually figure things out, most of the time 😉