One year and a half

Today marked the one year and a half since Aires passed away.  I’ve been looking at the calendar for days now, it’s been approaching.  I try to not concentrate on the days of the month, I try to forget what day it is at the beginning of each month, but this one was a big one, it just kept coming, there was no forgetting that it was approaching.

Not much has changed since a year and a half ago, and yet everything has changed.  The boys and I have adapted to life without daddy, we talk about him every day, Josh wears his clothes and shoes, they both write to him, we include him in everything we do, we keep his memory alive and part of our lives.  But yet everything has changed, because he is not here, his physical presence is not here, the person that we need here, in human form, is not here for us, to be what he was, what we need him to be, there’s a void that nothing can fill.

The boys have done a lot of fast growing in the last year and a half, I have tried to protect them as much as I can from some of the harsh realities, but there’s no protecting them from what our new life is.  There’s no mommy home all the time, there’s no mommy volunteering at school, there aren’t as many home cooked meals.  Mommy’s out a lot more than before, shopping and errands now have to be done after work, or on weekends.  I feel bad for always being on the go, I’ve told them tell me when they want/need my attention.  If they come to me and ask me to sit on the couch with them, watch some TV, scratch their back, or just sit and talk in bed when I put them down, whatever it is, all they have to do is say the word and I will drop everything to give them attention.  I had to do this, because Josh one day asked me when I was ever going to sit on the couch again so he could sit with me.  It’s when I realized that he was needing mommy time, but wasn’t asking because he could see I was busy and he didn’t want me to have to stop.  We had a heart to heart, I told them that they can have my attention any time they need it.  Nothing is more important to me than they are, I will drop whatever it is I’m doing and sit with them.  We have had many more cuddle sessions lately.  Their grades continue to be good, they have friends and are happy and involved socially, they are happy, they are not depressed or withdrawn.  It makes my heart smile to see them thrive even when life kicked them in the gut and took their legs from under them.

I am… I am how I am, it is what it is.  My kids are doing well, which in turn makes me happy, that is it.  In the past year and a half, I’ve had to grow up, I’ve had to toughen up, I’ve had to do things I never imagined I would have to do, I’ve had to say things I’ve never imagined I would have to or wanted to say.  I’ve had to learn about many things that I didn’t care about knowing before, I’ve had to take over tasks that were never my job/responsibility before.  I’ve become a much different person in many ways, but still the same person fundamentally.  It’s weird to look at myself sometimes and not recognize myself.

And I continue to go back to the same old same old “it feels like it was just yesterday”, it doesn’t feel like it’s been a year and a half, when I wake up with Apollo instead of Aires, when I do anything with the boys, anything at home, anything family related, the void is there, and it’s there as if it happened yesterday, not as if it happened a year ago.  We are not okay living life without Aires, we live life without Aires because we have to, we weren’t given a choice.  We miss him, we cry because we miss him, I cry more when I see my kids crying because they miss him.  It’s not been a year and a half, it was today, just about over an hour ago.

But life goes on, when I get up tomorrow morning, as I do every morning, I deal with myself while I shower and get ready, then I put on my “day face” and life goes on.