Live life

Here we go again.  Another senseless, impossible to understand deaths.  A husband and father, along with his two year old son, gone, in a car accident.  I don’t know the family, I don’t know any details, but I do know some of the pain this wife and mother is going through.  I can not imagine, fathom or even try to understand the full of her pain.  It’s impossible for my brain to wrap itself around it.  She is left with her newborn to face life.  I don’t understand why, and yes, Why is always with me.

I’m also very angry.  I have to say, I have not ever stopped being angry.  I know a lot of people move on from the hard and harsh feelings.  It’s how they can continue to live, they can’t live in a constant state of anger.  Well, that’s where I am, I refuse to let go of the anger.  Because when another senseless death happens, when another family is torn apart by horrible circumstances and pain, I just go back to my anger.  I don’t have to go through the whole process of getting angry again, I’m already angry, very very angry.  I will not be caught by surprise and completely fall apart again, the anger keeps me in one piece.  I know it’s strange to most people, but this is what works for me.

All the feelings come rushing back to me, every time I hear of another family who will forever be hurting in some way, will forever be broken in some way, will forever be missing pieces in some way, every time, it all comes rushing back. And it’s the same process, I’m in denial, then I go around and can’t catch my breath, then I cry and then I get mad, real mad.  I still can’t catch my breath, I’m still crying, and I’m so mad I could do some real damage right now.

And this all reinforces things for me.  I’ve been wavering lately, and not even noticed, until this past weekend.  The boys have been asking to go somewhere, they’re used to going on a weekend get away, or a short get away at some point in the fall.  They’ve been asking to go, and I’ve been thinking about the money.  I keep thinking that we can’t afford it, that we shouldn’t spend money like that, money, money, money.  Then on Friday, as I looked at all the deals online, it hit me.  I’ve fallen into the trap, money.  I’ve stopped doing what I’ve always preached, make memories with the family, we’ll figure out how to pay it later.  I’ve stopped doing what I always did before, we would go somewhere, we would enjoy it, make memories, take pictures, have forced family fun, remember it forever.  Could we always just afford it?  No.  Did we always find a way to pay for it?  Yes!  So, on Saturday, I took the plunge, I bought train tickets, we’re leaving at 5am and coming back at 10pm (back in DC after 1am), but we got affordable train tickets.  I reserved a one night in a hotel, instead of two, which is what I really should have done, but this way we can use that money to go visit places.  We are going to NYC on the 22nd and coming back on the 23rd.  We will see the city at Christmas, it’s magical then.  We’ve been there once at that same time, but the boys were young, Jake doesn’t remember too much, Josh remembers everything when prompted, but mostly remembers the bad things without prompting.  I want to continue to make memories with them, it’s more important than ever now, life is short, life can be taken away in a split second, we don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  Enjoy today, spend time with the family, love, make memories, be silly, laugh, take lots of pictures, relax, hang out together, live life to the fullest.  Once again, can we afford it?  No.  But I’ll figure it out, if it takes three months, or six months to pay for it, the memories are priceless, the money I’ll figure out somehow.  I’m glad that I made the decision to go, but I’ve also been worried about making the decision, the money… But with these news of this accident and two senseless deaths, I have no more doubts.  I have no regrets.  I’m happy that I have made my boys happy by giving them a trip to NYC.  I’m happy that we will be able to enjoy time as a family and we’ll be making memories that will last a lifetime.  I’m happy that “someone” snapped me out of my trap and encouraged me to just make reservations.  Life isn’t easy, the unknown isn’t easy. Putting things off, waiting until we have money, or time, or vacation, or better weather, or kids are older, or we’re retired, all of those are traps and excuses.  Live life now.  I’m not saying go on a crazy vacation and spend $10K that you don’t have, I’m saying take off for the weekend, even somewhere you can drive to, save money on travel.  Just take the time to make memories with your family, with your spouse.  Death doesn’t wait or discriminate.  You can’t say “it’ll never happen to me”, because look around, it’s happened to so many of us, in just one little neighborhood.

I’ve been so tired that I mostly write these in my head now.  I’m either running around until I finally go to bed, or I crash on the couch and can barely move.  I think of the whole post in my head, I write it all in my head, but never make it to the computer.  Today I couldn’t just sit, I’m too upset to just sit still.  I’m too heartbroken to stop and think.  I had to let it out.