It only gets harder

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  Everything going on inside my head, inside my heart, it’s still the same as it was before.

Time doesn’t heal anything, time just makes things worse and more painful.  I think the most painful of all is the feeling alone.  I could be in a room full of my closest and dearest friends and I would still feel alone.  There’s a void, a big hole in my life that no one else can fill.  The feeling of being alone, the actual being alone, day after day, it hurts, it hurts real deep.  Every day it hurts a little more, when I wake up alone, when I watch TV alone, when I talk to myself because I have no one else to talk to, when I go to bed alone.  I’m always alone, I always feel alone, even if I’m not alone literally, when I’m surrounded by people, I’m still alone.

I come home at the end of the day, there’s no one here to talk to about my day, no one to listen and let me blab about anything and everything that I need to let out.  Nope, it stays inside, or I talk to myself, either of which is not the same thing as having the one person who always knew just what to say, what to do, to make me feel better, to make me let go, to make me relax, whatever it was that I needed, he knew just how to do it.  This makes me feel more and more alone.

Then of course there’s the emptiness of just not feeling loved.  It’s rough to live from memories, to never feel his embrace again, or to ever have another kiss from him.  The more time that passes, the more I miss him.  Every day I think that it’s impossible to miss him anymore than I do, and yet when I wake up the following day, I prove myself wrong, every single day.

I’ve been putting off writing this post, it feels like every time I put things in writing, it makes it even more real.  But it doesn’t get more real than this.  No, one year is not enough to “move on”, or “get over it”, a lifetime is not enough, this is it, this is my new life.  No, the pain doesn’t get any easier, if anything it gets harder.  It’s not as raw as it was a year ago, I’ve learned to live with it, it’s part of my daily life, but that somehow makes it even more painful, to know that this pain is now part of my life, for always.  No, watching my boys miss their father, just as much as I miss him, doesn’t get any easier, to know that I’ll never be able to fill his shoes, to know that they’re in pain and I can’t fix it, no matter how much I try, or will it, they are in pain, we all are.  Yes, when you see me, I’m functioning, I’m living life, I’m running around with the boys, with life, I’m even laughing and enjoying myself, but don’t let that fool you.  The pain is still there, behind that smile, there are many tears.  I need to be normal when I’m with people, I need to feel like I’m still me.  In private I let the grief out, it’s the way that I feel most comfortable.

I’m tired, I’m so tired.  Some days I wish I could take a vacation by myself, go to a hotel alone, where I could be in bed all day, I could sleep, I could cry, I could just be me, not responsible for anything or anybody but me.  I know that won’t happen, I’m needed at home, I want to be here for the boys.  But I’m definitely tired.  There are days that life is too much, I want to hide and just quit, be done, but that’s never going to happen, I won’t quit, I’ll keep going.  I will however, every once in a while, have a moment where I will have to let it out.  Then I’ll pull myself together and keep going, because that’s what we all do, we have to keep going.