It’s been a while since I last wrote. It’s been a long, fun and very busy summer, which has kept me up late most days and very exhausted by the end of the day.
It all started at the beach, I was going to blog there, I was going to have time, I had several things in my mind that I had wanted to let out, but hadn’t had the time. Well, life is very different nowadays, my packing for the beach was basically done right before we left, which is not normal for me. In the last minute get everything together rush, I forgot to email myself the login for the blog. I am lazy, I’ve kept the email that has the blog login on my inbox, I’ve not memorized the login, I just always go through that email to get in. Last year I emailed it to myself on the phone, this year I forgot. At first I thought that maybe it was meant to be, maybe I should just relax. Well, relaxing it wasn’t, I couldn’t stop running through things in my mind, the ones that were there before, new ones from being on vacation and slowing down, but with no login, I just had to deal with them. It was a new thing for me, and it definitely wasn’t as easy as blogging, things kept coming back to my mind, not being resolved, but no login meant no blogging.
Once we came home, we kept running around, I don’t think I’ve stopped all summer. I’ve not had one night all summer, other than at the beach, when I’ve sat on the couch after dinner and just watched tv. I’m usually doing something, or at the computer catching up with the days emails, things to do, messages to return. I’ve been going to bed around midnight every night, until I’m about to crash, then I’ll go to bed at 11. I’m exhausted, but it’s been worth it, the boys have had a busy summer, they know that life goes on, they’ve seen me keep my promises to them, they feel confident in their future. This is huge for me, I want them to feel safe, secure, to not be afraid of what tomorrow may bring, to live in fear or in limbo.
Lately I’ve been telling myself “today is the day I’ll blog”, I feel the need for it, but exhaustion takes over every night. However today was different, today we had another big first. Though we’ve gone through many firsts, this one was coming, and I knew it. Today I taught my son to shave. This was a big one, definitely a father/son milestone, a rite of passage, yet here I was, his mother teaching him how to shave. He has been asking me since just before school ended, basically all summer. He has little fuzzes, not real hair, but they are dark, on his upper lip and he wanted them gone. I asked him if he wanted me to ask a man to teach him, he said no, he wanted me to do it, he said that I had seen daddy shave enough times that I knew how to do it. But this was yet another reminder that daddy wasn’t here to do what we always assumed he would do. I put it off and put it off, but he’s going back to school soon, so today, I called him upstairs, we opened daddy’s bathroom cabinet, took out his shaving cream and razor and Josh shaved his “mustache”.
When the time comes for Jake, I’m sure Josh will take over and teach him, but if not, if Jake wants me to teach him, I’m here for him. It’s very strange and sad to do these things. The taking care of them I’ve always done, that is not different, these specific things are harder, because these were very specific daddy things, these were the manly things, the bonding moments that they would have as father and son. It makes me sad for them that they won’t have those moments. It makes me sad that I could see the sadness in his eyes, along with the excitement of something new, part of growing up. It’s another reminder, another sad reminder that daddy’s not here to do what we always thought he would do.
We are also reminded daily that daddy is still with us, I mostly love it not when I see the butterflies, but when the boys see the butterflies, especially at important moments. I loved it when Josh said “I hit a really good ball at TopGolf today and there was a butterfly there right after I hit it” or when we were at Water Country and Jake says “mommy, we see butterflies on every ride! Every time we’re going somewhere, there are butterflies around, daddy’s still doing the rides with us”. It breaks my heart every time too, because it’s a hard reminder that all we are holding on to now is daddy being here in spirit, butterflies. We do not have him here in person, the way we really need him here.
When we arrived at the beach, the first thing we saw was a big butterfly, right as we parked at the rental home. When we went in the yard there was a decorative butterfly yard stick. There was a vase in the house, and a book on the nightstand in my room that basically said “I’m here with you”. It’s comforting, but at the same time it’s also very sad, another reminder that he’s not here with us. Not that I need any reminders, I live with it every day, every second. But Aires was there with us, of that I have no doubt.
I’m going to stop here, I’ll go on all night if I keep going. I’m going to hopefully be able to blog more often now. I need this, I think I need it more than even I realize.