Everything comes back

I’ve been busy, very very busy, which is good most days because it leaves me less time to sit around and think.  But the events of the last week and a half have left me at a loss again.  Another young father and husband, taken away in the prime of his life, leaving behind a young wife and very young children.

The feelings all come back up, knowing exactly what this poor soul is going through, brings back all the memories, all the feelings, the desperation, the uncertainty, the pure panic about what the future would hold.  But the pain, the raw pain is what hurts the most, the feeling of having half of you ripped out in cold blood, the feeling of having an open wound from top to bottom of your body.  The feeling of that pain, before you get used to it, before it becomes part of who you are, part of daily life, part of the “new” you where pain is a normal thing.

Remembering the waking up alone every morning, the not wanting to go to bed, I could go on and on, the list is endless.  When it happens to someone else, I know what they’re going through, I feel their pain and my pain all over again.  I want to reach out and hug them, tell them that they will survive, one day at a time, they will make it.  It’s not the end of the world as it feels at the moment, in time dealing with life gets easier, not because it’s easier, but because life goes on, whether we like it or not, and it becomes a routine, a movie we live day in and day out.  We go through the motions, we do it for our kids, we live it one day at a time.  We learn to laugh and really mean it again, we learn to be happy in certain ways again, we learn to really cherish all the memories, every memory, even when it’s a mix emotion of pain and happiness thinking about them.

I wanted to just give her a big hug, a big tight hug and tell her she’s not alone, she’ll never be alone.  She has her family and friends, but she’s also now part of this “club” that none of us want to be part of, but once we are part of it, we are sisters, we are there for each other, we support each other, we love each other through everything.

I guess with the one year mark coming up and the passing of another young dad in the community, I’ve been all over the place.  I’ve been suppressing a lot of feelings, especially last week when I heard of the passing.  I had the need to help out, and thankfully I was given the opportunity to help, it helped me deal with my own feelings and emotions, it was therapeutic.  But being there, helping set up the reception, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to see the wife and kids.  When we heard that they were on the way from the cemetery, I made sure to finish up what I was doing and leave before anyone got there.  I knew my denial and suppression of feelings would not be able to deal with facing the pain that would be in front of me.

It’s too much pain and suffering, too many things that don’t make sense, too many things that just make me more and more mad, harden my heart.

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11 Months

I can’t believe I just wrote down 11 months.  And that in one short month it’ll be one year.  I can’t believe it every morning when I wake up and I can can’t believe it every night when I go to bed.  Time keeps moving forward, things keep on happening, events come and go, milestones come and go, big days come and go, and yet to me it feels like time has stopped.  But it hasn’t.

I am beyond exhausted, I feel tired all the time, I’ve had many days again of not being able to catch my breath.  Nothing has changed from 11 months ago, except the fact that life keeps moving forward, and I have to move along with it.  The feelings I feel are the same, the anger is the same, the sadness is the same, the hurt is the same, the loneliness is the same.  I’ve made it part of who I am, I’ve learned to burry it down deep when I need to function during the day, but it’s there.  Time does not heal, time just passes and moves forward, that’s all time does.

This month I’ve wanted to sit and write several times, but like I said, I’ve been exhausted.  I’ve also been very busy, which is great on the one hand because it keeps me distracted, but on the other hand I run myself to the ground trying to stay as distracted as I can.  It’s no one’s fault, it’s my fault for saying yes to everything, for trying to be everything to everybody, for trying to get myself to the point that I’m so tired that my brain no longer functions when the day is over, the boys are in bed and all is quiet and alone in the house.

Before I start my “rant” of sadness, I want to say how happy my boys have made me since the moment I found out they were in my belly.  Today being Mother’s Day, and after my birthday having been a sad disappointment, they made sure to do what I wanted to do and ask me several times if I was happy.  They were happy, they are happy.  They’re doing good considering their life was turned upside down and is still pretty tipsy turvy.  Their grades and school work never suffered, they continue to have straight A’s.  They never got so depressed that they didn’t want to do sports or activities, on the contrary, life has stayed the same when it comes to their social life.  I can’t even say that they got depressed.  They got very sad, they are still very sad, they too are now used to living with the sadness and the pain.  But they have not let this loss change their lives to the worse, they have continued to fight and move forward, in such a way as to make daddy happy and proud of them.  We know he’s watching over us, we want to always make him happy and proud of us.

Mother’s Day was good, after my birthday I’ve lowered my expectations, I’ve accepted that life will never be the same, and “my” days are no longer my days.  I may have part of the day the way I want it, but not the whole day, and I accept it. As with everything else in life, nothing will ever be the same.   Having said that, today was very nice.  It started very early because Josh had a soccer game and I had to take care of my doggies, two other sweet loving doggies, both boys and myself, and still be out of the house by 8:30.  Both boys had homemade cards and notes for me, presents (that I bought for myself, but I have always done that), and lots of hugs and kisses.  At the field, it’s always fun watching Josh play, I had a real nice conversation with another team mom.  We came home, I took a very long hot shower, there were too many emotions, too many things going on in my head, I had to clear it a bit before continuing with the day.  The boys and I went to lunch, had a very nice time.  We came home, I changed and ran a bunch of errands since I won’t have time to do it this week.  It was also my time to be distracted.  Here’s the thing, having today be both Mother’s Day and 11 months since Aires passing, it was a double whammy.  I knew I would not be able to deal with both at the same time.  So I decided to celebrate Mother’s Day until after lunch, and then deal with the feelings of it being the 11 month mark.  This is when I went shopping, to create distractions, and in a way to reinforce in my mind that I should be thankful for the cards, love and lunch, not to expect the whole day to be about me like it used to be.

My wonderful friends have come through once again though, they never fail me, never ever.  The flowers, balloons, chocolates started appearing on Thursday, all of them so very thoughtful, not only with beautiful kind words, but the thought put into finding balloons and cards that had butterflies or sunflowers.  I can see and feel the love that put into each little thing.  And my inner circle got together and got me the most beautiful and thoughtful gift.  A plant that butterflies love and visit a lot.  It will be planted in the backyard this week, I will forever be looking out the window!  My friends and their love surrounding us gives me such strength.

Now for the things that came up this past month…

I have come up on several forms where the only option that fits me now is “single mom”.  I’m not a single mom, don’t get me wrong, I definitely despise the word widow, but single mom feels wrong.  Nothing against single moms, I’m very proud of them, I’m proud to call many of them my friends, they are strong women who I admire.  Having said that, they are single moms because they chose to leave the relationship they were in because it was a bad one, it was making them sad, making them suffer, eating away at who they are as a woman.  They reclaimed their lives back, reclaimed their happiness and independence by leaving said relationship.  I didn’t leave mine, I wanted to stay in mine, I was happy in mine, it was brutally ripped away from me.  I guess checking the box that says single mom is just another reminder of everything that is wrong.

I think that life for me now is a mix of living in the present for my kids and in the past for myself.  I can’t leave the past behind, because the present is not all that fun.  When it comes to the boys, it’s fine, they’re growing, they are becoming different people, life with them is in the present, I have no issues with that.  I do it without a second thought.  But my life is not growing, and it is becoming very different as a result of everything that happened.  Nothing from the plans Aires and I made about growing old together, nothing from that plan is valid anymore. My life now is a reaction to his passing, everything I’m doing is because I have to do it, not because I want to do it.  I have to do it because both the kids and I need me to do it, but I would never have gone down this path had it not been for him passing.  And this messes with my mind a lot, it messes with my OCD because the plan fell apart, it messes with the planner in me because I literally can’t see my life past when the boys graduate college and leave home.  I find it easier to live in the past, when Aires as here, everything made sense, and life was good.

Along with living in the past, comes this sense that I’m almost in a third dimension.  It’s a weird feeling, I know I’m here, I know I’m living the day by day, I’m going through the motions, doing what I need/have to do.  But at the same time, it feels like reality hasn’t sank in at all.  I guess it could also be called denial.  I still feel like I’m living in a dream, like the last 11 months have just been a long dream, where I have gone through hell, have lived day by day, have been strong but have felt so weak so many times.  It feels like I’m watching from above, like watching a movie, and soon I’ll wake up and everything was just a horrible bad dream and life is back to normal.  I know it’s not, I know this is reality, but I fight accepting it as such.

I’m just tired, I feel like I haven’t caught my breath since June 6th of last year.  I haven’t rested because my brain is always on overdrive.  But the biggest thing is that I’m emotionally exhausted, beyond exhausted.  And I can’t recharge, I don’t know how to, the one person who could do it is not here to do it.  I haven’t figured out how to do it on my own.

I hope all you moms had a wonderful Mother’s Day.

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