10 Months

It’s been ten months since life changed forever.  I can’t say that I feel any better than I did that day ten months ago, but I can say that I have become more used to the routine, the daily life, our crazy busy life, without having Aires here to help.  This sports season was especially hard, two weeks ago I was going around in desperation wondering how I would be able to do it all by myself.  But with a little help from carpool and with all the practices being spread out through the week, I only really have two to three bad afternoons a week when both boys have practice on the same day.  It’s doable, there’s always a way, whatever it takes, I will find a way to make it work.

Jake’s little break down about baseball two days ago just made everything that much harder, it was just another reminder of how life is different and not for the better without dadd here.  There is nothing that is better without him here, not one little thing, but these kinds of things are like a big boulder gets dropped on us, it just rudely and painfully reminds us that it’s never going to be the same without him and it’s hard to not have him here.

But my biggest realization, enlightenment this month, ten months into all this, has been a huge one.  I don’t know how I never realized or figured this out before.  It really stunned me when I realized it, because it’s so simple, I really should have figured it out a long time ago.  This all came about because my shoulders are once again killing me, it’s time for another beat up massage.  Advil and muscle relaxers, heating pads, nothing is helping anymore, it’s time to go back and get the stressed beat out of me.  As I sat there baking and really hurting two days ago, I wondered why it’s so bad.  I haven’t had as much stress as I did before I had the last massage.  Maybe I shouldn’t say I haven’t had as much stress, maybe I should say that I’m more used to living with the stress.

But in the end, I’m still not getting my daily quick back massage that I used to get every day, from Aires’ strong hands, he had the magic touch with my back.  However, more than that, and this is what I just realized is, he was my calming force.  Aires was so chill, so calm about things that happened, don’t get me wrong, he could get very mad very fast about stuff, but mostly he was very relaxed.  He was my one and only calming force.  I could be going a hundred miles a minute, a few words from him and I could turn off.  It was a constant in my life the kept me calm, relaxed in a way.  No matter how much stress I might have had, it would all get resolved once Aires got home.  Without that now, the stress just keeps on building up, until all it is is some very stressed shoulder and upper back muscles.  And since there’s not one to take away the stress, I have to go get a massage, a beat up massage to get rid of the pain.

This has been a very strange month with everything that has gone on around us.  It’s not about us, but it’s like deja vu for us.  Even for the boys.  It has brought some feelings back to the surface that had been gone for a few long months now. But if anything, reliving all of what we went through back ten months ago, knowing what the family, the kids, the wife were going through just affirmed once again that I want to help.  I want to help (if I can and if I’m welcome) people who are going through, or will go through what I/we went through.  I will reach out and try my best to help in any way I can, it makes me feel “good” that I’m helping.  If I can share what I’ve learned from this horrible experience and help someone going through the same thing to make it through a little easier than they would otherwise, it makes me feel like it wasn’t all in vain.

I can truly say that ten months in, I’m still in denial a lot of the time, it helps me get through the day.  I keep us busy, very busy as a matter of fact this sport season, because it’s easier when I’m busy, I’m running from place to place and thing to thing constantly.  The weeks fly by and before I know it a few months have gone by.  Distractions continue to be a good thing, I don’t think about other things when I’m busy planning the day, the week, the month, running from one thing to another, this may sound stressful to most people, but for me, it’s what I need right now.

I’ve also realized that I am the same person I was before.  I’m stubborn and set in my ways, and my beliefs, the way that things are is the way that things are.  Aires passing away was not a good thing, is not a good thing, it will never be a good thing.  I will never understand it, or accept it, because I don’t want to do so, I never want to do so.  I will be angry, pure mad about it.  This is how I feel, and I can not bring myself to do good things in his name, because that’s like accepting that in a way it was a good thing.  This is a new revelation, recent revelation as well.  I will do good things myself, I will do good things for as many people as I can, myself.  It’s not in his name, at least not for now.  Nothing good should come of it, because that would be like me accepting it, understanding it and turning the horrible into something good and nice.  It’s horrible, it will always be horrible, that is that.

Ten months later I’m still discovering myself, my feelings, learning how I want to live my life from now on.  How will I feel a year from now, ten years from now?  I don’t know, I’m not there.  I live life day to day, one day at a time, I can pull it off for a day, I can’t plan thirty years from now.  I had it all planned and it all fell apart.  One day at a time is all I can do now.