Valentine’s Day

I hope everyone had a Happy Valentine’s Day!

For once I had a first that wasn’t as bad and as sad as all the previous ones and still some to come (not that the seconds, thirds and so forth are going to be any better).

Aires and I didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.  It was all my doing, we were still single, though already engaged by our first Valentine’s Day, when I told him that I didn’t want to celebrate.  I have never been fond of the idea that on this day girls get flowers and chocolates and jewelry and a fancy dinner, etc., etc.  I wanted to be special, I didn’t want to get all of these because the calendar told him to, I didn’t want to get all of these because he was “supposed” to do it.  To me there was no meaning in that.

I wanted to be special, because I was special.  Over the years I reinforced this thought over and over again, and made it a point to not celebrate.  I wanted to be appreciated because I just was, I wanted to be shown I was loved because I was, I wanted to be thanked because I deserved it, not because the calendar said this is the day to do it!  The point was, any other day, if Aires wanted to stop and get me flowers on the way home from work, that was great!  If he wanted to get me a little surprise present, card, note, whatever, because HE wanted to do it, not because he was told to do it, that’s what I wanted, that’s what made me feel special.  And we did have a lot of those moments, where I’d get flowers for no reason, other than he had stopped and gotten them to say he loved me.  Or he would get me yummy somewhere and surprise me when he got home.  Or we would write notes and hide them, I used to hide them in his lunch every so often (can’t make it an expectation, have to make it a surprise), or inside his clothes in a suitcase when he travelled, or in his laptop so when he opened it, there it was.  He would hide them in my drawers/clothes, in my wallet, in the kitchen drawers, you get the idea.  This made it special, very special, this put a smile on my face (and I’m sure his too) and totally made my day.  It was that totally unexpected “I love you”, out of the blue, it would make my day.

Though, I do have to tell you the story of our first Valentine’s Day, a lot of people know it, because I tell it every time I say we don’t celebrate, but I love this story.  Like I said, we were engaged just about a month, and had been together for about nine months, he knew me very well already.  I told him how I didn’t want to celebrate, I told him why, he understood and agreed.  So, Valentine’s Day comes around and Aires shows up with a big pink chocolates heart.  I looked, I smiled, I said thank you, I said I thought we had talked about this, I though, this dude needs some working on, he needs to listen!  I looked at him while I was talking and I could see this little naughty smile on his face.  I opened the heart and it was full of Twix!  I love Twix, it’s my favorite chocolate bar!  He had bought the heart, taken out all the little chocolates that were in it and filled it with Twix.  I knew then I had someone very special, very thoughtful, very loving. And let me tell you, I felt very very special!  He said that because it was our first Valentine’s Day and I was his girl, he didn’t want to let it go by without letting me know how much I was loved.  But because I didn’t want to celebrate because the whole day was fake, he decided to figure out a way that we could both be happy.

Once we had the boys, we started to celebrate for them, they always got cards and candy hearts and a present.  It’s different with the kids, they’re young, they don’t understand, and it’s all around them, I didn’t want to not celebrate.  Now that they’re older they understand, a few years back we started to explain why they got presents, but mommy didn’t.  We celebrated as a family, we started always going to dinner and the movies.

Of course today wasn’t all fun and games, after all, though we didn’t celebrate, he was my Valentine, I had him here with me, we just celebrated differently, different times, but he was here.  Of course I was sad that I was celebrating with the boys, but no daddy.  Of course the day felt very alone, they all do.  However, compared to other firsts, this was the easiest one so far.

Thank you to all the friends who came by and dropped off sweet yummies for us, the boys were very excited about all of them!!!  And once again it made us feel very special and loved.



Eight Months

We’ve made it to eight months.  Still working on some of the financial issues.  When people told me that it would take a year at least to get everything resolved, I didn’t think it would apply to us, well, I was wrong.  But other than that still being up in the air, life is starting to settle down, with the new normal.  I don’t like the new normal, I don’t like this new life, however I have no say so in it.  The accident happened, I had no say so in it.  Aires passed away, I had no say so in it.  Life completely changed forever, I had no say so in it.  I do have a say so in the future, I should say, hopefully I have some say so in the future.

A friend sent me the link to this article, if you replace “child” with “husband” it’s spot on, as I’ve said many times before, grief is grief, no matter who you lose.   The way we are connected to the person we lose is different, whether it be a parent, a child, a spouse, a friend, a family member, but the feeling of loss is the same.  The grieving process is the same.  What changes from person to person is how we deal with the loss, how we deal with continuing to live life, whether we give up and live in the past, or remember the past but live for the future.  There is something in the article that hit me, it is very true.  “Above all else, know that no one can save you but yourself. You are the heroine/hero of this sad story. You are the one who gets to decide how, and if, you’ll survive this. You are the one who will figure out a way to survive the sleepless nights, and the endless days. You are the one who will decide if and when you’ll find a purpose again that means something to you. You are the one who will choose how you’ll live with the pain. You are the one who will decide what you’ll to cling to, what will make your life worth living again. You, and only you, get to decide how you’ll survive.”

Survive, is what I’ve been trying to do for the boys and I from day one.  I can’t say that I’m “living” life the way I used to do it, to me living life is when you’re enjoying it, planning for it, being excited about what’s coming up.  I think for now, I’m just surviving, looking short term, taking it one day at a time.  I’m doing it my way, the way that works for me to keep going, keep slowly moving forward.  I hope to some day be able to plan the future again, look forward to something, I don’t know that I will ever be able to do that, but I hope that I do.  For now (and for a long time to come) I’m just not able to see a future alone.  It’s not the future I’ve been planning for years, not the future for two that we had planned down to the small details.  Somehow doing it alone is just daunting and I can’t even wrap my head around it yet.  My way, my timeframe.  For now, I’m glad that we’ve survived as we have so far.

This month has been hard, it feels like time is going by too fast, I can’t believe that it’s been eight months.  I feel cheated by life, I feel very alone, time goes by, the pain is the same, but I feel like I’m used to living with it now.  It’s weird to see pictures of me, every time I take a picture of myself, I don’t recognize myself in the camera.  Needless to say I don’t take many pictures of myself.  But for instance, the picture of the three of us at the hockey game, all I see in my face is sadness.  A very aged and sad face.  I don’t see it when I look in the mirror, but I do see it in pictures.  The eyes can’t lie.

There are still the ups and downs, lots of downs, I hide a little bit when it’s the downs.  Little things trigger it, for instance the last two days the song One Call Away by Charlie Puth brings me to tears.  I try to not pay much attention to lyrics nowadays, everything has a different meaning for me now.  But for some reason I heard it, really heard it and kind of feel apart. Because I’ll never be able to do that again.

I’m only one call away
I’ll be there to save the day
Superman got nothing on me
I’m only one call away

But it’s not all bad, friends are always here for me, doing little things here and there to make our days a little better, a little brighter.  I’ve had some work lately, I love that kind of distraction, I actually get so into the planning that I forget about my life for a few moments.  I love that the boys are continuing to do well in school, they are playing sports, they are silly and goofy, they have brother rivalry,  they love their video games, they pick on me, they push the boundaries, they are well adjusted.  They are not over sad, or depressed, we talk about daddy, sometimes we’re sad, sometimes we laugh, we remember him, we talk about what he would do if he was here, what he would say.  The one thing I’m very happy, truly happy about is my boys being able to cope so well.  It’s not easy, not in the least, but they have been able to push through, they have survived, we have survived.

I try to see the positive in things, I try to always be grateful every day, there are many things to be grateful for.  But mostly I’m sad, it’s just what it is.  It’s my sadness, nobody can take it away, nobody can make it better, I don’t even think that I can make it better.  The only person who made it better is gone.  I feel divided, I’m happy about the boys, but I’ve lost half of me, and that part will not be happy.

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