I don’t even know where to start. I’m all over the place again. It’s probably because I should have written this blog a couple of days ago and gotten it off my chest, but when I really think about it, I don’t think I figured out what was going on until last night. It was 1am, I was still watching tv, nothing that was interesting to keep me up that late, but I was ready to just keep going all night. Two nights before that I didn’t sleep well, the night before that I went to bed past midnight and didn’t sleep well, and last night I went to bed at almost 1:30 and kept waking up over and over, did not sleep well at all. Two nights ago I took one Advil pm, which usually is enough to keep me asleep all night, last night I took two Advil pm and still woke up all night long. It gets worse every night. This is not normal for me, the one thing I was always able to do was sleep, now I’m losing that. But why?
This snow hit me harder than I ever imagined, or actually, I didn’t even think it would affect me. But it did. Because of course, if I think about it, Aires was the one who did most of the snow cleaning if he was home. For a few years, when he traveled a lot for work, it was guaranteed that the big snow would come when he was out of town. I guess it’s poetic that the biggest snow ever comes when he’s never coming back. But he hasn’t travelled in a couple of years, and he’s been here. He would have to be careful because of his lower back, but he was the one who did most of the snow cleaning. I helped, the boys pretended to help, but he was the one. And this time, there’s no Aires. I’m the one out there, alone. The boys were out there with me, the neighbors came to the rescue and really helped a LOT, but I was out there alone. And this apparently was another first, not one that I had even planned for, not one that I thought would affect me. It did.
Aires was also the one who got the boys out there, to play in the snow, to enjoy it. He encouraged them to go out and play in the snow. I don’t. I don’t like the snow, or the cold, or the mess, I’m plenty happy with them being inside. Aires on the other hand was awesome at playing with them in the snow, he would help them build whatever they wanted to build, he would make a big pile of snow so they could play in it. I guess I’m feeling a little guilty for not taking over in that aspect. I just don’t like snow, or cold, and though I feel guilty, on the other hand, I don’t. If they ask to go out, I will go, just like Jake asked to go play in the snow with the dogs today, we did that. But if they don’t ask, I don’t encourage them to go out, daddy did.
In a way I guess I feel like I fell short on this one. And it’s a double faceted thing here, it bothers me, but it doesn’t bother me. Because I know that I don’t want to do it, but while in that internal conflict, it’s affecting me. It’s also yet another reminder that I’m alone, though I’m not, I am. I had many friends and even strangers offer to come help, I had neighbors who just walked over from their own cleaning up and came to help me, on two different days. I’ve had people offer to bring me anything from the outside world, though I can drive out now. Everyone’s been awesome, and I know we’re not alone, but that feeling of being alone never leaves. I am alone, and new things keep happening to keep reminding me of it. Not that I ever forget it, but new things just bring it all up to the surface again.
I’m sure that being overtired doesn’t help trying to sleep. After cleaning that much snow two days in a row, I should have slept through the night without a problem. The problem was in my head, and I had to let it it, so here it is. I hope I get to sleep tonight, because I walk around tired, I just feel tired all the time. It’s too much, it’s a lot, it’s never nice and calm and happy anymore inside my head. I’ve slept less and less over the months, not by a lot, but many nights I sleep five hours. I used to sleep seven, I can function perfectly on five, so I just stay up late, hoping to be so tired that I just crash. And usually I do just crash as soon as the head hits the pillow. Not lately.
But this is it, now that I’ve figured it out, and dealt with it, I should be able to go back to sleeping the whole night. Unless Apollo gets his head on my pillow, starts to snore and breathe on my neck and then there’s no way I can stay asleep. 🙂