Furious Seven

I just watched Furious Seven, not because I particularly wanted to watch it, but because it was on the list as one of Aires’ movies.  I’ve added things to Netflix, but haven’t deleted anything, so the movies I put in the queue a long time ago are still coming in.  I half watched, while playing free cell on the iPad, which is exactly how I would have watched had we watched it together.  “His” movies weren’t all my thing, I would still watch, but I didn’t exactly want to watch watch, so I’d play on the iPad.

As I started watching though, I just kept waiting for the end, I wanted to see what they did, somehow it mattered now.  And it was really well done, it was beautiful, it was meaningful, and I couldn’t stop crying.

Ever since Aires passed, Wiz Khalifa’s song “See You Again” makes me cry, I know it’s about losing a friend, but it can very easily be about losing any loved one.   At the end of the movie as they started the tribute scene, the main character played by Vin Diesel says “It’s never goodbye” and the song starts playing.  The tears start, I guess I needed this movie tonight.  I don’t know how, or why, but this is what I needed tonight.  There’s also Vin Diesel’s monologue at the end, part of the tribute “I used to say I live my life a quarter mile at a time and I think that’s why we were brothers – because you did too. No matter where you are, whether it’s a quarter mile away or half way across the world, you’ll always be with me. And you’ll always be my brother.”  Once again, this can easily speak to anyone who’s lost a loved one.  And it spoke to me.  We were compatible, we lived our lives the same way, we loved the same way, and though we’re as far away as we can be from each other, Aires is now and forever will be with me.  He will always be the one true love of my life, he will always be my soulmate, he will always be my best friend, he will always be the half of my heart missing now, he will always be my husband.

I didn’t mention anything in what I wrote yesterday, but among all the mixed feelings I had Christmas morning, the worst one was though I was very thankful to have family here, the boys needed it, it was good for them to not be alone, I wanted to be alone.  I didn’t want anyone here, inside my head I was screaming all the time, as I was so nicely and happy for the boys while they opened their presents, inside I was screaming, I didn’t want anybody here, I wanted Aires here, and if he couldn’t be here, then I didn’t want anyone else here.  I wanted for Christmas to not happen, because without him, it’s not really Christmas.  There was a struggle, a conflict inside me all day, and I felt guilty, because the boys were so happy to have people here, they kept asking who was coming, they wanted to have these specific people here, and it made them happy.  But I couldn’t be happy, I just couldn’t.

I think this movie somehow, not really doing anything specific, or saying anything directly, somehow it just made me feel “better”.  It’s what I needed, maybe that’s why it came in the mail today, because I needed it today.

 

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First Christmas

What is there to say that hasn’t been said yet?  I miss my husband every minute of every day.  My boys miss their father, his presence, his help, his counsel, his willingness to listen, to work things through with them, to play with them, everything he did with them.  And when special days come around, days that were so big in our lives, there’s a big hole in those special days.

Yesterday I was crazy busy, I started cooking as soon as I finished eating breakfast, and didn’t stop until the evening.  My mom was here all day, my dad joined us after work, my brother and sister in law came and spent the night, and a good friend came with her children to spend Christmas Eve with us.  I cooked and cooked, I cleaned, I showered and cooked some more.  I didn’t stop for a second, I kept going, even if I could have stopped, I refused to stop, stopping would mean thinking and I was trying to not think about anything.  The day went okay enough, with people here all the time, the rushing around and my refusal to allow my brain to do anything but be in the present, in the minute, to not let it wonder to what “should be”, not what is.

There was a totally unexpected knock on the door, and a total stranger, who is a friend of friends of mine, came by to wish the boys and I a good Christmas and to bring us a little something to help celebrate.  That act of kindness, so unexpected, once again showed me that so many who don’t even know us, are keeping us in their thoughts this special and hard to get through time of year.  I also had countless messages, emails, texts, Facebook messages, the love was pouring from all around us.  There were little things left at our door, and in the mailbox, the show of love and support was all around us.

The boys spirits were up, they were happy that family and friends were coming, they were happy being with said family and friends, seeing them happy, made me happy as well.  But when everyone was in bed except my mom and I, and the friends had left, we went down to get the presents from the basement.  Seeing my mom coming up the stairs with carrying gifts, was the trigger to turn off the denial/rush/high/everything else I had been carrying all day.  All of the sudden I felt my heart shrink, very tiny, very sad, because she should not be the one coming up the stairs with presents, Aires should have to be the one doing that.  After that I was done.  But I was also so exhausted, by the time I finally went to bed at 2am, my brain wasn’t even making proper connections to reality.

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This morning the boys woke me up, I came down by myself to set things up, to get ready for them.  The video camera was running by itself, there was no one managing it, I don’t even know what the video looks like because it just kept going and when I looked at it again it had run out of battery and turned itself off. I took pictures, as I usually do, I tried to be peppy and happy like I usually am, I don’t think I pulled it off as well as I think I did.  I just couldn’t pull it together today.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this, it was never supposed to be like this.  We were never supposed to have a life without a complete family.  We were never supposed to have one of the four ripped out without the rest of us having a say so, a chance at fighting to keep him, a chance at trying to keep us as four, not three, that was never the plan.  For as hard as I tried, I was sad, and it showed, and the boys then were a little off too.  It was obvious to me, maybe not to others, but they were not their happy peppy selves while opening presents either.  How could we be happy, there’s just no real happy anymore.  There are a lot of happy moments, and we don’t walk around sad and depressed, I think we all feel okay most of the time, but there is just no more fully happy anything.  In the back of all our heads, in our hearts, there is a sadness that will never leave, an emptiness that can’t be filled.  Completely happy is not achievable anymore.

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We continued our traditions however, I told the boys we would continue to celebrate like we always have.  I think having kept our lives the same ever since the accident has been a huge help for them to stay adjusted and being as strong and confident as they have been.  So we stayed home Christmas Eve, we opened presents Christmas morning, we had matching pajamas, we had a late brunch which I don’t start cooking until all the presents are opened and all the pictures are taken.  We stayed in pajamas all day, we ate leftovers for dinner and though the boys ended up not having time to do their gingerbread houses yesterday, they did them today.

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We also started some new traditions, a few weeks ago, all three of us went to Hallmark and picked an ornament to put in daddy’s stocking.  Today, once everyone had left, we took it out, opened it and Jake put it on the tree.  We have decided that every year we’ll get a new ornament to celebrate/remember daddy, and eventually when there are enough, we will get a small tree to put these special ornaments.  This year we chose a beautiful butterfly, Josh found it, and we all agreed that it was a good ornament to start our new tradition.  We also talked about it, and decided that this year we should make everything (food wise) that daddy liked, or that was his favorite.  We had a lot of daddy’s favorites, and Jake who is still a very picky eater, made sure to try a tiny bit of each, even if he didn’t like it.

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Josh sat at the head of the table across from me, he took daddy’s place.  He was very proud to sit in that chair.  Josh loves to do everything daddy did, wear what daddy wore, do some of the things daddy did, I believe this is how he without even realizing is keeping daddy alive in himself.  He is very protective of everything that was daddy’s, or daddy liked, or anything that has to do with daddy.  I wanted to take a picture of Josh sitting at the head of the table, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I also didn’t take any pictures of all of us together at the table, as I usually do, and I did take a group picture with everyone by the tree this morning, but not because I wanted to, because it’s what I should do.  I didn’t want to admit, or even document the fact that Aires wasn’t here.  Talk about a roller coaster couple of days.  It’s all been building up to today, and all I can say is, I survived the day, like I have any other, one step at a time, one minute at a time, one task at a time with a lot of denial mixed in the middle.

My wonderful friends came through for us again today, lots and lots of messages, so much comfort comes from all the different people reaching out.  There were also a couple of sweet things dropped off at our door, it always warms up my heart and brings a smile to my face, and I feel an embrace of love.  There was one little gift, so beautiful, personal and just beyond anything I could have even imagined, it made me feel so many emotions, from the love of my friend who thought of something so beautiful and meaningful to give me, to how much I miss Aires, but have to keep going no matter what, quitting is not an option, falling apart is not an option.  It was almost like a kick in the butt, it’s like it was telling me, to go ahead and be off today, be sad, I’m allowed, but then I need to pick up and keep going.  The “you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think” really resonated today.  This one made my cry, I had to take a few minutes to go upstairs and let the tears out.  I needed that hard cry today.

    
 Christmas is finished, I’m still here, he’s still not, life still goes on.  It’s not ideal, it’s not what it was supposed to be, but it is what it is.

Merry Christmas.  

Denial

I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you again.  Denial is what’s getting me through right now.  Many many times over the last six months, when things are too much to take in, my survival mode is denial.

Once again, this is what I’m doing right now, somehow my defense system takes over when everything is starting to be too much and denial comes in, it calms me down, allows me to function normally and keeps me from falling apart.  It’s like my life is a movie that is playing right in front of me, I’m even participating, but not fully, I’m not really completely there.  But it’s the only way right now.

I’m going to say it, my kids are being over indulged this Christmas, like they have never been, and like they will most likely never be again.  Yes, I am overcompensating for their father being missing from their lives, completely, not just at this special time of year, but all the time.  I am overcompensating because I want them to concentrate on the fun presents they’re getting instead of the fact that daddy’s not here with us, filming then opening the presents (that was his “job” every year), and they can’t go up to him show him their new toys.  He won’t be here to help them set up anything electronic that I have no idea what to do with, he won’t be here to play with them and their new fun things while I’m making brunch.  He won’t be here for anything… so yes, I’m overcompensating, and I don’t feel guilty about it at all.

I’m grateful for friends who have been showing us that they are thinking about us during this first and so painful Christmas without Aires.  They have been dropping off goodies for us, celebrating the 12 Days of Christmas, and everyday the boys are excited to see what was dropped off.  Watching them be happy, makes me happy.  We talked about it, when I figured out what was going on, I told them how wonderful our friends are, they know this is going be the a very hard month for us, and they are showing us love and support, they are uplifting us.  The boys know that this is a special gesture and they feel the love.

I just had a moment of losing it after I put them to bed.  I’m getting ready to start wrapping presents, presents that I had to decide on by myself, and went overboard, way overboard, like I would never had before, because I had a voice of reason behind me, and nothing to try to overcompensate for.  I looked at the picture on the computer screen and I just lost it.

He’s here, I know he’s here.  He showed me a sad face on the counter when I was getting ready for the cookie exchange party.  When I saw it I had to take a picture of it, because when I looked at it, the first thing in my mind was “I miss you”.

I am making all his favorite things, like I did every Christmas.  We’re having flan, he LOVED my flan.  I’m making his favorite Christmas cookies, oatmeal cranberry white chocolate chip.  We are eating cod for dinner on Christmas Eve, that’s what we do as part of the Portuguese tradition, but then on Christmas Day I’m making the dish Aires loved to eat with all the leftovers from the night before.  I will make the Portuguese sweet rice, which we always said it was for my dad, because it’s his favorite, but it really was an excuse to have it for ourselves too.  And I’ve gotten the panettone that we both loved.

I am sure I will have many moments by myself when I’ll lose it over the next few days, and I will continue on this weird autopilot/denial I’ve been on.

   

    

Color

Today was the first day in six months that I wore color other than black, black with white, black with gray or gray.  I’m really trying to bring myself to wear something other than that, because of Josh having asked me and me promising I would try.  So, today I wore navy blue.  It was still dark enough to make me feel okay, but not dark enough to match my mood.

Like I mentioned on one of these blogs, a long time ago, wearing black is not something I’m doing for a certain amount of time, or that I’m doing because of some custom.  I usually wear clothes/colors that would match my mood.  Whenever I opened the drawer, a color would speak to me, or I would be in a good mood and get a bright happy shirt, crazy busy day and now seeing anybody, I’d go with simple and neutral, things like that.  Ever since Aires passed, the only thing that speaks to me is black.  Sometimes I’ll go gray, but I just do not feel like wearing anything else.  I’m sad, and my clothes reflect my mood.  Period.

But I did promise Josh that I would wear other colors, here and there, to make him happy.  I don’t feel it, but I will wear it.  And today I did, he just looked at me and smiled, he didn’t say anything but we both knew.  A friend actually noticed it and brought it up, she was so happy that I wasn’t wearing black.  It’s making other people happy, it’s strange, other people are happy, I’m happy that they’re happy, but what I’m wearing feels off, feels alien.  It doesn’t match how I feel, it’s a weird thing, I know, most people wear clothes because they’re clothes, not because it makes them feel good or bad, happy or sad, or chose their clothes according to their mood.  I’ve told you before, I’m “special” 😉

This was kind of an experiment day.  I can do it, I survived all day in this shirt, I can do it again.  Maybe once a week, maybe more, maybe less.  It’s going to depend on how strong I’m feeling when I get dressed, since I have to wear whatever all day, I’ll have to be in a state of mind to do it.

The funny thing is, or weird, or strange, if I’m wearing a shirt for a holiday, I’m perfectly fine.  I wore Halloween shirts without any problem, I’ve worn Christmas shirts and will continue to do so without feeling weird.  I’ve always been crazy around any holiday, I have shirts to celebrate most of them, for sure the big ones.  Red and orange doesn’t bother me if it’s for Christmas and Halloween, but if it’s normal clothing, it bothers me.

I know it’s weird, talking about clothing colors, most people probably think I’ve lost my marbles, but it’s a thing, a big thing with me.  And today was a huge step! I made a point to do it, and I did it!  Not to be overdramatic, but I do think this had a lot to do with something a group of friends put together for us.  It made the boys so happy, that happiness transferred to me, and I was able to take this step.  It’s always going to be true, if the boys are happy and doing well, I feel better, and when they are extra happy, it makes me feel better too.  Once again, friends have pulled me through another big one, without even knowing 🙂

I do have the best of friends 🙂

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Blue Christmas

I’ve spent all day trying to forget what today is.  It’s the last of the six month mark.  Of course I wasn’t very successful, but I tried.  I also started having the whole not being able to catch my breath again.  I walked both dogs around the block (Apollo is worst again so I’m limiting his walk), but that wasn’t enough for me, I needed more, I needed to get out and walk, I felt like walking for hours, all day even if I could.  It’s almost like I wanted to walk until I had walked away from everything, the pain, reality, Christmas…  So I went back out with Rocky after bringing Apollo home and we walked another four miles.  It wasn’t enough, but it felt better than I had felt before.

Since we weren’t supposed to be here this weekend, I had no real plans for us.  The boys enjoyed being home, but it was a little too confined.  Because while I’m home, I see all the decorations, and I have to sit down and start thinking about and planning Christmas, there are meals to plan, desserts to plan, people stopping by, presents to get ready, it’s all about Christmas.  And I really don’t want it to come, I think that’s part of the desire to walk away right now, so that Christmas doesn’t come.  I don’t want to have Christmas without the most important in my life, in our lives.  That person is missing and will forever be missing from everything, things, events, celebrations, holidays keep coming, keep happening and I just don’t want them to happen anymore.  It’s hard having to live without having Aires here, it’s excruciating having to go through all the “happy” events without him.

Of course time doesn’t stop, and we have made it through birthdays, an anniversary, first day of school, Halloween, First Quarter good grades, Thanksgiving, so we’ll make it through Christmas and New Year’s too.  It’s not like we have a choice.  Because not making it is not a choice around here.

There are many songs that I hear over the years, know the tune, know the chorus, but don’t really pay attention to the rest of the lyrics.  Yet this year, there was a song that was playing on the radio in the car and I distinctly heard a line that I had never paid attention to before, and it hit me, hard.  This happened a couple of days ago, now every time I hear it, I just start crying.  “Santa can’t bring me what I need, ‘Cause all I want for Christmas is you” and it just keeps going and going, “you are the angel atop my tree”, ” You are my dream come true”.  Christmas will never be the same again, life will never be the same again, I will never be the same again.

All I Want For Christmas Is You Lyrics

Take back the holly and mistletoe
Silver bells on strings
If I wrote a letter to Santa Claus
I would ask for just one thing

I don’t need sleigh rides in the snow
Don’t want a Christmas that’s blue
Take back the tinsel, stockings, and bows
‘Cause all I want for Christmas is you

I don’t need expensive things
They don’t matter to me
All that I want, it can’t be found
Underneath the Christmas tree

You are the angel atop my tree
You are my dream come true
Santa can’t bring me what I need
‘Cause all I want for Christmas is you

I don’t need expensive things
They don’t matter to me
All that I want, it can’t be found
Underneath the Christmas tree

You are the angel atop my tree
You are my dream come true
Santa can’t bring me what I need
‘Cause all I want for Christmas is you
‘Cause all I want for Christmas is you
‘Cause all I want for Christmas is you

The funny thing is, Aires favorite Christmas song was Mariah Carey singing All I Want for Christmas Is You.  And though he never sang, this song he would sing little bits here and there to me.  And he would smile big.  Every time I asked him what he wanted for Christmas he would either say “you”, or he would sing the line.  Both songs end up saying All I want for Christmas is You, but in the end are so different.
And then there was Elvis singing Blue Christmas… songs that never really had a meaning to me before, now just speak to how I feel.  It will for sure be a Blue Christmas, in fact, I foresee a lot of them in my future.
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Half year mark

There’s a lot to say about keeping busy.  Yesterday I bought more yard bags, and spent about three hours out there cutting down tree branches, bushes and bagging some leaves that were in the corners against the fence.  I ended up getting another five bags done, nine between Saturday and yesterday.  It felt good to have it done.  I don’t like to do it, I hate it in fact, but I did it.  By back hurts, my hands are a mess, but I did it.  I also had somebody come and remove on tree, one bush and four rose bushes, and after all the work I’ve done, I can see more things being removed in the coming years.  But I did it, and it’s done.

There’s also a lot to say about the therapeutic power of cutting “thick” branches with a bypass lopper (yes, I had to go google that one).  The amount of strength I had to put into some of those branches, the names I called them in my head, the exertion after it all, there was a lot of frustration and anger that came out then.  In the end, though I hated the yard work, it actually helped a bit at this time of the month.

The boys and I went to Fairfax Hospital Trauma ICU yesterday.  I had baked a very large plate of two kinds of Christmas cookies, I made peppermint fudge, chocolate Christmas trees and chocolate greeting cards.  I wrote a big note, once again thanking all the nurses and doctors for all they tried to do to keep Aires alive, even though they all knew (and told me) that it was all for not, he was gone.  But they treated him as if he would make it, they gave it their best shot, they didn’t give up, and for that, for the time they gave me to get used to the idea of letting go, for the time to have the organ donation people show up and have his death not be totally in vain, for that time, I will always thank them.   So we went out there, I rang the little bell, asked whoever answered to come out to the door.  When she did, I explained to her why we were there, gave her the two plates and thanked her for what they do day in and day out.  She was very thankful for the goodies and asked if I wanted to see any of the nurses, she could go get them.  At that moment, I realized that I don’t remember any of the names anymore, I remember their faces, I remember the doctors names (I didn’t like them), but the sweet nurses, I don’t remember.  It was all such a blur.  I told the nurse at the door, that I couldn’t really remember names, and I didn’t want to take them away from their patients anyway.

I wanted to show the boys that however sad a place is for us, we should never back away from it.  Driving in that parking lot, walking into the hospital, going up the elevator, walking through those double doors, ringing the bell, all I wanted to do was run away, but I faced it.  I refuse to let any of this make me weak.  None of that is stronger than me, none of those memories are stronger than me.  And now I have a better memory to associate with that place.  And I feel stronger for it.  Plus I showed the boys that we thank people who try to help us, who did help us.  They weren’t able to pull daddy through, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.  And for that we thank them.

Today I kept busy, and I picked up my mom first thing in the morning, so I was distracted too.  We went Christmas shopping, she told me all the stories of things going on in Portugal, the people she’s talked to, etc., etc.  My brain was taken away from the fact that today was six months since I lost half of me.  Six months since the emptiness started, the unfocused brain, the “new me” who I don’t like very much, don’t recognize most of the time, but this is the new me and with every passing day I get more used to her.  I know parts of the old me are still here, lots of them, and I’m thankful for that, but there are parts that will never come back.

I’m thankful for all the friends who have sent me little messages in the last couple of days.  Before I put anything on Facebook, they sent a note, they remembered what day it was, and they wanted me to know that they were thinking of us.  It means a lot to have that support behind us.  A little note here and there may not be a lot for the sender, but it means a lot to me.

I’m still in disbelief that it’s been half a year since I’ve had to pull it together, make the decision to keep going or fall apart, make the decision that my kids would be okay, that I would do anything and everything in my power to make sure they would be okay now and in the future.  And it’s that decision that has driven me this entire time, I will not give in to grief and despair, I will continue to move forward because my kids need and deserve that.  They need a mom who is present, who is strong, who gives them and shows them confidence and assurance that the future will be okay.  Because if I can do it, they can do it.

I wish everyday that my kids still had their daddy, they need him desperately, I wish everyday that I still had my better half (he really was the better one), but wishing doesn’t do anything for reality.  So after wishing, I curse it all, get myself up and get going.  It’s not the best way to start a new day, but it’s the way I have to start mine, I fall apart a little bit, then I pull the pieces back together and get moving.  It’s a hell of a life to live, but it’s my life, I own it and I live it.  In the end I hope my kids look back and are proud of how we all kept going, I would even dare say going strong, when faced with the worst thing that could ever happen to us.

  

 
  

Six Months

And just like that, the six month mark is here.  I don’t know why it’s any different, it feels like a big mark, half a year, a long time, an eternity, and yet I still feel like Aires is on a business trip and will be home any time now.  You’d think after six months of not having him home, night after night, of waking up alone day after day, that the brain would make it sink in.  But it doesn’t, just a couple of days ago, one of the boys said something funny and I literally turned around and was going to pick up my phone to text Aires.  I went a couple of steps and stopped.  That sinking feeling brings everything back to the surface, for a split second all as well in the world, I was going to send my husband a text about something funny our son said, and the next second my whole life came crashing down again.

Six months, coupled with it being December, it’s been very hard to get through it. December used to be my happiest of months.  I loved everything about Christmas, decorating, baking, going to all sorts of events, wearing Christmas clothes all month, etc., etc.  This year, let’s just face it, I’m not in the spirit at all.  Not one little bit.  I have to get my act together and get the boys’ presents, and everyone else’s for that matter.  By now I would have everything except the stockings, I started shopping for Christmas in September, I saved everything up, I planned and prepared for months.  I don’t feel like doing anything, the thought of not having Aires here for Christmas is too big to wrap my head around it, so my head gives up.  I’m putting up a good front for the boys though, I don’t want them to not have a good Christmas, it’s going to be bad enough as it is.  We still talk about presents, and what we’re doing, we’ve decorated the house, put lights outside, I smile and make a big deal of things in front of them, like I used to do, I even sing along to the songs when we’re all in the car (97.1).  They are excited, today we decorated their personal trees in their rooms, they decorated their entire rooms with their personalized decorations.  Everything is still the same, and yet so different.

When I was decorating our tree, the house tree, I was doing it because Jake kept asking when we were decorating, when we were decorating.  So I got the tree upstairs with Josh’s help and started decorating.  On TV the news was all about the shootings in San Bernadino.  Normally when we decorate, we either have Christmas music playing loudly, or a Christmas movie playing.  But as weird as it is, the thought came to my mind as I listened to the TV, “what I’m watching matches my mood for decorating”.  Not the shootings part, but the sadness and helplessness and hurt/pain.  The raw emotions, the crying, the desperation of the families, it all was matching what I was feeling.  There is no real happiness this season, it’s all a facade.  Putting the ornaments up, ornaments that we have collected over 23 years, they brought back so many memories, so many milestones and life markers.  Along with the ornament for this year, the saddest one of all, but one that we all three had to get.

Jake is really opening about with me about how he’s feeling, my little man is hurting a lot, but dealing with his pain and understanding through our talks every night.  When he goes to bed, we close his bedroom door and we talk about what happened that day, what bothered him, what questions he might have, what made him sad/happy, anything he wants to talk about.  We talk about how sharing all these feeling is important, and we come up with techniques and ideas of how he can deal with different situations and issues.  And I see the pain in his eyes and the tears coming down and I feel helpless to stop them.  I want to make it all better, I want his daddy to be here for him, I want him to not have to suffer for… for always.  But I can’t, so we talk about things, and we deal with things, I’m thankful that he talks to me and we’re able to move through different issues.

Josh is not so much of a sharer, he will only speak about what he really needs to talk about.  He’s become very protective of his father’s things though, he actually put up a fight when I said I was going to pull out the rose bushes Aires insisted on having but I hated.  He said he’d take care of them, just so I wouldn’t get rid of them.  We went through how getting rid of some things does not mean we’re disrespecting daddy in any way, nor did it mean we didn’t like him.  It was the roses I hated, and daddy knew I hated them.  He’s probably up there somewhere rolling his eyes, laughing and saying “she finally got rid of them damned rose bushes!”  Josh also worries about me, he doesn’t say much, but when he does, I know it’s bothering him, otherwise he wouldn’t have mentioned it.  He has always asked me why I’m wearing black, we’ve talked about it many times, he knows why.  But the other day he actually asked me if I was sad all the time.  I asked him why he was asking, and his answer was because I’m always wearing black.  He asked me to start wearing other colors.  I told him I would try, but for some reason, every time I pick up a different color, I end up putting it back and go for the black.  I wore gray for a few days, pointed out to him that I was wearing gray, he told me that’s not different enough, he wants to see me in happy colors.  I guess sooner or later, for his sake if nothing else, I’ll have to start wearing color again, even if only a couple of days a week.

My brain is completely gone too, and when I say that, I mean it!  I don’t recognize myself anymore, it’s past having to write everything down, it’s writing it down and still not checking, or not seeing/connecting what’s on the calendar.  Today I met a friend for lunch, I went to the wrong restaurant to meet her!  Then later on I had to pick up Josh from a party and do a home visit at the exact same time, thank goodness the home visit lady sent me an email this afternoon and asked me if I could go an hour later.  I have to write everything down, every single thing, or I forget.  My kitchen counter is full of post its at any point, so is my car.  My brain is exhausted, it hasn’t really rested for six months.  I sleep, no issues there, but when I’m awake, the brain doesn’t stop.  I didn’t before either, but for some reason, it’s affecting me now.

And even when I want to write, I sometimes don’t.  I’m trying to keep the promise I made myself, I know I talk about this all the time, but it’s true.  It’s very hard for me to do it, but I do need to do it.  Once but I really try for twice a week, I make myself sit-down and watch TV.  Whether it’s a movie from Netflix or a recorded show, I make myself sit and watch, I’m not allowed to get up all night.  And if it’s after 11, I’m not allowed to write the blog, I have to simply get ready to go to bed. I’ve kept those two promises pretty well, most nights I’m ready after 11, so I don’t have time to write, instead I go to bed.  I will sit and watch TV, or if I have nothing to watch, I’ll have the TV on and play FreeCell, pet the dogs, throw Rocky her ball, pet Apollo, just relax on the couch.  It’s weird to have to schedule myself to do this, force myself to do this, when this was the one thing I couldn’t wait to do every night!

Well, we’ll leave it there for today, I’ve been all over the place, but have let off most of what I wanted to say.  I feel better, time to get some stuff done before I crash.  Two 5Ks in two days, four hours of yard work and putting lights outside, I’m tired! 😉