I know I’ve not written in a while, it’s not that I don’t need it, but I’m trying to keep the promise I made myself to go to bed at a decent hour. That hasn’t really happened much, I’m always going up after 11:30, rarely before. I’m tired, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel tired.
I’m tired physically, mentally, emotionally, I’m all around tired. It’s exhausting still having issues to deal with, still having phone calls to make, still having to go back and forth with people. It’s only a couple of things left, but after five months of going at it, I’m tired.
Last weekend the boys and I went to Richmond for a soccer tournament. It wasn’t our first trip alone by any means, we’ve had several since June. It also wasn’t the first time I felt alone and missed having my husband by my side and the father or my children by their side. But somehow this weekend, whether it was the soccer, or maybe I was so tired, I couldn’t keep it stuffed down deep, or maybe I allowed myself to let some of the stuffed deep issues to come up and out a little bit. The weekend was very hard, being at the field, there were a couple of alone dads with their kids, but mostly it was all families, father, mother, kids. By dinner time I was feeling very alone, everyone hanging with their significant others, single dads hanging together and I was just there, trying to talk to a mom here and there when they weren’t talking to their husbands. Then we got seated (the team sat separately because there wasn’t enough space for everyone to be together) and I was sitting at a table. Alone. The boys were finishing the games and exchanging tickets for prizes, while I sat very alone. And I felt alone, deep deep down, so very alone. I had to hold down the tears so hard, I didn’t want to spoil the dinner and the fun for the boys, and I didn’t want to be the weirdo crying alone in the restaurant. But it was very hard, I felt more alone on this trip than on any other before.
Something else that’s new, I’m having to answer questions that I never thought would come up. Case in point, a couple of weeks ago:
Josh: Mommy, why are you wearing those shoes? Don’t we have money for you to go buy new shoes?
Me: I love these shoes, I know they’re not perfect anymore, but they don’t make them anymore and I just love them, I hate to get rid of them. I could buy a new pair, but I don’t want to, I like these.
Josh: Are you sure? You’re not lying to make me feel better? Because I know you like to shop and you love shoes. Are you sure we have money for you to buy new shoes?
These are the kinds of conversations that I have with my sweet boy. Had I answered like that before (and by the way, I told him the truth), he would had just moved on. But now I can see the worry he carries in him for our future. We don’t talk about specifics on finances, but I do say every so often that we have to be more watchful with money now. He is worried, and this is how I know, by these kinds of questions.
Another example, this one from Jake, a very innocent question, but:
Jake: Mommy, does your status on Facebook say widow or single?
Me: Well, I never changed it, so I’m sure it still says married.
Jake: But you’re a widow now, you’re single, right?
Me: I guess you’re right, but I don’t like the word widow so I’m not going to use it, and I don’t consider myself single. Technically I guess I am, you are correct, but to me the word single means you’re looking for someone. I’m not looking for anyone, I don’t want anyone, I don’t want to get married again. So I’m going to just leave it as married. Does that make sense?
Jake: Yeah, I see what you’re saying.
This would never have come up before either, but now it does. Jake is a rule follower, in his mind I should change my status because apparently it’s a lie right now. And he’s always thinking of something in his head, he asks all sorts or questions about anything and everything. I suppose I better get used to things like this popping up here and there. But not something I ever thought about or even thought I would have to discuss with my child!
I recognize that with the holidays approaching, I’m probably a lot more vulnerable and sensitive about things. I’m also little by little starting to deal with the things I’ve stuffed down deep. This is all making me a lot more emotional and sad. And tired. I need to find the time to just sit on the couch with my shoulder heat pad on, but I keep putting it off. I still don’t spend a lot of time on the couch. I do it, but it’s not something I can just do and relax like I used to do. It still bring a lot of sadness and loneliness, even though the whole couch is taken by the furbabies. I’m still very alone. I can be in a room full of people, and I still feel alone. Every time something happens, I feel alone. I had to make the decision on the HVAC, alone. I’ve had to make countless decisions, alone. Let’s face it, I probably would have made the decision of which I thought was best, and Aires would just have gone along with it anyway. But I wouldn’t have been alone in making the decision. I feel this alone, because I’m not alone by choice, it was never my choice to be where I am.
This is a little wrap up of what’s been going on since the last time I wrote. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to sit and write. I feel better now.