Very hard

I’ve been working on Jake’s album.  Tried my hardest to sit down and not get up, tried my hardest to sit here and do as much as I could.  My hardest was not good enough.

I had to get up several times and go try to distract myself.  Going through all the pictures, all the things we did, all the things we’ll never do again with Aires.  It’s torture, it’s excruciating.  To see him there with us, over and over again, to see all the happy smiles, to know that all my smiles from now on will be a little fake.  I’ll be happy to be doing whatever I’m doing with the boys, but I will forever miss his presence with us while we’re doing it.

Nothing can fill the void left in our lives and in our hearts.  I’ve been looking at myself all afternoon in the mirror, every time I go to the restroom, and the sadness is visible.  I lightened up when we were having dinner, but when the boys are in the basement or otherwise busy, and I’m alone, the sadness is very apparent.

I try hard to not be sad all the time, especially when I’m with the boys, or with people.  I want to maintain my own normalcy, to not get dragged into depression.  For me, to keep myself busy, socializing with friends, going places with the boys, to keep doing what I used to do before the accident, that’s what keeps me, me.  It keeps me from rolling down the sadness only hill, it allows me to breathe, to smile, to laugh, to talk about something that has nothing to do with me or what I’m living through.

But the sadness is there, it’s evident, I see it in my eyes, even when I’m smiling.  In the back of my head, all the time, it’s there.  Not that I want to forget about it, not in the least, this is my reality, I love the life I had, I love the short 24 years I had, I will never forget.  And the pain is now part of that wonderful past, it’s the present and future.  It’s okay with me, to never be fully happy again, it’s okay to always miss what I had.  As long as I don’t lose myself in grief and pain, I’m okay.

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Loved

Going through and working on Jake’s album, I’m going through pictures of sports last fall and Halloween.  We’ve not yet reached that first, but I’m already going through it in a way, because it’s just another reminder that we will be doing that alone.

Another thing we’ll have to adjust to, hopefully I won’t have too many years of this one left.  Aires used to walk with the boys, and I used to stay home passing out candy.  When they were younger, we did it the other way around, but as they got older, I wanted them to have something else special with daddy.  He worked so much to keep us in the lifestyle we’re used to 😉 (and they needed him like crazy at work) that he missed out on a lot.  So when we had the chance, I sent them out on their own, the three of them, to spend time alone, bond, enjoy each other.  (That, and the one year we left the basket alone, we came back around and the basket was empty!!!!)

Anyway, with the fourth month approaching, Halloween approaching, I don’t even want to think about Christmas, and my desire to run away, I’ve been looking and looking for a great deal to get out of town when the kids don’t have school at the beginning of November.  A long weekend would be the perfect opportunity for us to go take a breather somewhere.  But of course, nothing is cheap when you make it times three nights.  I looked and looked, for weeks now.  Finally gave up.  Decided that I was just going to have to stay in town and maybe do a couple of fun trips somewhere… in the cold.  Then as I had just given up, a friend emailed and offered us a free timeshare week.  I guess they get these deals with their timeshare, where sometimes it’s a free week, sometimes it’s a very cheap week, but they expire fast and of course there are only certain places available for them.  My friend couldn’t fly out because it’s too much for four people, so she offered it to us.  Williamsburg here we come!!!!!

Once again, the generosity of my friends keeps amazing me.  My people keep showing me that we are loved, we are not forgotten.  Everyday in one way or another I get a reminder of how the boys and I are loved and supported.  The other day someone dropped off something at the door, I saw it when I was coming home from picking up at school.  The cooler is gone now.  Boy very amazed “mommy, people are still dropping off stuff even when the cooler is gone!!!!”  We all feel it, it’s amazing, it gives us strength, it really does.

Weird or not, this also all just happened as I gave up looking.  Sent from above?  I don’t know.  All I know is every once in a while I get a reminder, last night I got a reminder to snap out of it.  It’s hard, not sure I can do it, but I’ll try.  Just as I posted about rain being tears, when I went up to bed, I was in the bathroom getting ready and I heard this very strange beep, or beep and a half, kind of trembling a bit.  I never heard it before.  It wasn’t the fire alarm batteries, they’ve been changed and they keep on beeping if it’s them.  It wasn’t the phone, I checked, nothing on it (I thought it was a weather alert or something).  It wasn’t the regular alarm, it wasn’t the water alarm in the basement, I went everywhere. When it happened, both dogs sat up and were looking around like they actually saw something.  There was nothing.  But there was a weird beep.  That’s when I thought, well, maybe, just maybe, with the rain, butterflies are hiding, they can’t be a means to send a message.  Maybe the sound, wherever it came from, was the means to send the message.

It’s nowhere close to being the same thing as having Aires here, nothing ever will ever come close to being his presence with us.  But at least we do have a lot of support and love surrounding us.  And in a way, I keep getting messages confirming that he’s around.  Not in the way I want him to be around, never again, but he’s around.  I guess I’ll have to settle for that…

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Rain

It’s cold, it’s gloomy, it’s depressing.  Remember, this kind of weather depresses me.  I need sun to keep my spirits up.  I know we need rain, but it makes me sad.  It feels like the world is crying, I’ve never much appreciated rain, it didn’t bother me though, unless it lasted too many days.  But now, any dark cloudy day starts to mess with me.  And rain, all I see is tears.

It’s weird, I know, it never happened before, but I see things differently now, I feel things differently.  Everything has changed, turned around and upside down.  The tiniest little thing will take me out, things that never even bothered me before.  I’m hyper sensitive, I overthink and over interpret things, everything has a meaning.  And rain now feels like tears.

And just as I type this, the guy on the TV says “even the sky is crying…”

It doesn’t feel like the weather, the northeastern and Joaquin or whatever either of them are called.  It feels like all the loved ones who have departed, crying at the same time.  Crying for us, with us, because they want to be here with us, because they want to help, but just can’t.

And on days when it rains all day, and I’m not distracted, I don’t leave the house, or I leave for just a bit, it settles in more.  I’m more aware of it, nothing to take my attention off it.  It’s dark in the house, I look out the window and see the rain, the dogs are hyper because they didn’t walk.  And I look out the window again.  So many tears…

It’s going to be a looooong weekend.

  

 

Feeling punished

The cold and rain is getting me in a mood again.  Or maybe it’s because it’s the beginning of the month, and those looming dates approach again.  Or maybe I’m just tired, as usual, and hungry too, that’s never a good combination.  Whatever it is, my mood definitely has gone down as the evening goes on.  Lunch was good, margaritas were good, company was wonderful, but something it pushing me down now.

Maybe it’s all the things that go wrong with the process, the legal process.  It’s nothing that can’t be resolved, but it is just an ongoing stabbing feeling that just keeps getting pushed in over and over again.  Maybe that’s why I’m becoming numb to it all, or maybe it’s just my patience growing.  I didn’t think I could ever be patient, but maybe that’s what this is.  Maybe I’m forced to learn how to be patient.

What it feels like is that I’m being punished for losing my husband.  And it’s too much, so many things going on, so many things going wrong, I can’t move on, do anything, some days I can’t even deal with my own pain because it’s too much.  I lost my husband, now I’m getting punished for losing him.  I have to go through all this process to get our lives back to the new normal.  I have to hire 50 people (yes, I’m exaggerating) to help me with that.  They all say things are done this way, but turns out that it’s the other way and we don’t figure it out until it’s been done the wrong way.

Sometimes, in a weird way, I think this is what maybe abused people feel like.  That somehow the abuse is their fault, they must have done something wrong, they deserve to be punished.

There are so many things to do, and they all move so slowly, that I’m stuck in this mouse wheel, going going going, but going nowhere.  That feeling of punishment though, is weird, is hard, is strange, but it’s true.  It most of the time makes me numb, numb to the process, to the pain, to everything around me.  Because I don’t want to feel like I’m being punished, I’ve been punished enough just by losing him, I don’t need to be punished, or feel punished for losing him.