Wow, it’s been a while! I’ve been running around so busy that I go to bed late almost every night. It was great for a distraction, but at the same time, I’m exhausted now. It’s all good, people loved the cookies, and the goodies, and I love to make people happy with my baking 🙂
I’ve made myself a promise, if it’s too late, I will go straight to bed. I will not stay up blogging, unless I absolutely have to do it. I will not stay up “watching tv”, better known as falling asleep on the couch because I’m so exhausted by the time I sit down, because I don’t want to go to bed “alone”. So, as a result, I found a solution, I stayed up baking and baking, and by the time I was done, it was after midnight, day after day. And then I was so tired, I just went to bed and crashed.
I don’t have a problem falling asleep and staying asleep, I have a problem forcing myself to go upstairs and go to bed. Once I’m in bed, I’m fine. A parent at Josh’s soccer game this weekend was asking how I was doing, etc., etc. And I basically said, I’m “okay”, but I’ll never be okay again. But at the same time, I have a peace inside of me, that is very comforting.
I know that I didn’t leave anything unsaid, I told Aires many times a day that I loved him, and I showed him even more times than I told him. If we ever had an issue, we talked about it and resolved it. Our marriage was a good one, we were both in a good place socially. He was in a great place socially, going out with friends, finally enjoying himself outside of his family life. He was in a good place at work, he was very busy, crazy busy, but in a good place.
We didn’t leave anything undone. I mean, all the future plans and things we wanted to do in the future, those are all undone and will never be done. But the ones we did, we didn’t put off. We never put off going away once or twice a year, just the two of us, to do it in the future instead when the kids were gone. We didn’t put off going on date night because the kids needed us at home, we figured it out. We didn’t put off going all over as a family, vacation, weekends away, a couple of days here, a couple of days there. Amusement parks, little trips to fun places, celebrations, lots and lots of traditions. We sometimes didn’t have the money saved that we should have saved to do all these things, but we did them anyway.
I hate to think of it this way, but the same way that Aires “knew” he would die in his 40’s, I had a need to do more and more as a family and as a couple. It’s almost as if I “knew” that he was right. I made it a point to plan, plan, plan, and we did, did, did.
I will miss all the things we didn’t do, all the plans that will never come to be, but I don’t have any regrets of the things we didn’t do, or missed out on, or postponed. Because we didn’t, we lived life as fully as we could. I have peace in knowing that Aires was truly happy when he passed. I have peace that we were in a really good place in our lives, family and work. We were happy, we were in love, we were having fun, we were enjoying life. I have no regrets, no “I wish I had…”, and that is a very peaceful thing.
I’m not okay with the future, with having to do it alone, with having to change all the plans, or keep them but do them alone. It’s not the same thing, it’ll never be the same thing, it’ll never be the fairy tale that I had planned and envisioned. I guess my fairy tale, my one true love, my soulmate, my best friend was loved, lived and terminated. I didn’t get the happily ever after, but I did get the happiest I could ever be during the time I had.