Today as I sit her like a silly crazy momma trying to get Star Wars movie tickets, for a movie that won’t even come out for a couple of months, I can hear a voice in my head “you’re crazy”. Which I am, and I love that I am, it’s me. Being me makes me feel good.
When the boys were going to bed tonight, we remembered something silly that Aires did, we all laughed really hard and talked about it. The boys went to bed smiling about daddy, it made my heart sing. Remembering him with smiles and laughs is the best, we make him present with us, in a way. But eventually it gives way to the bitter sweet feeling that though we love to remember and laugh, he’s not here.
I am trying very hard to keep all of our old traditions, to keep being our traditions. Traditions have always been something I’ve put an emphasis on. I think it’s one of the things the boys will remember most when the grow up, because we did the same thing year after year. We have gone to Cox Farms twice, and going again tomorrow afternoon (and thanks to the generosity of our friends only paid on $5 day). We’ve gotten the orange Jack-o-lanter bread, which they always get a kick out of taking to school for lunch because everyone is always so curious and grossed out about it. I’ve bought our ICE tickets for next month, we have done it so many years in a row now, I’ve lost count. It’s something fun that is part of our holidays and the boys look forward to it every year.
I also realize, that as the years pass, and the boys grow into teenagers, we may lose some of these things. I hope we don’t, but I can see Cox Farms becoming just a Fields of Fear thing, at which point, I won’t be there with them. And ICE may be not so cool anymore, after all it’s all about little kid stories. But for now, I hold on to every single tradition for dear life. It’s good for them, and myself as well, in a way it says “stability”, everything is the same as it was before, very different, but the same, and that gives us stability, normalcy, assurance that the future will be okay. I promised them that I would try my best to make sure we kept living our lives as if daddy was here. I promised them I wouldn’t change anything, unless I had to, I think of that promise everyday, I try to keep it true, both to them and to myself.
Many things have changed to never change back. For instance, with sports being here, it’s obvious that the divide and conquer thing was HUGE. Without Aires, I have to go to every game, I have to be two places at once sometimes, and that doesn’t work. I’ve asked for help, and hasn’t been a problem, friends are more than happy to help if they can, but it’s not what it used to be, never will be, and that, I can’t change. All I can do is my best to be there as much as I can, if I have to miss a game, or part of a game because I’m driving one or the other around, then it is what it is.
But also, with divide and conquer, I got some time for myself. If there was something going on during a game, and not another game at the exact same time, Aires would take the boys and I would attend whatever fun event, or meal, or pampering thing I had going on. Right now, that is not a possibility. I have to go to the games, all the games, my events are no longer as important. I’m okay with that, but I can’t say that I don’t miss the old days of divide and conquer. Like I said, I was spoiled.
On a different note, today I was once again reminded of how lucky I am to be surrounded by so many friends who gave us from day one and continue to give us to this day, so much love and support. It came to my attention, a lady who lives not too far from us, lost her husband to a heart attack last week (I think). I don’t know her, but there was a sign up sheet for food. When I looked at it, there were barely any names on there. Later on, speaking to two people who had made the list public to where I found it, they told me that they don’t think this family, a mother and three children ages 9-2 really have much support. In a way it broke my heart, and I wanted to help, because I know exactly where this mother is right now, what she’s feeling and going through. And I know how important it was to keep me strong, to know that I had so much love around us. So, in a way, it once again made me feel so loved, it’s a wonderful feeling to feel the virtual hug around us.