“See”

I don’t know why, but all day today I kept thinking of Aires, even “seeing” him all around me.  I can’t say that it was because I was missing him more than usual, because that’s quite impossible, I miss him like crazy all the time, I don’t think I can miss him more.  I don’t know why, but it’s what it was.

It started in the shower, I looked down and didn’t see any leg hair left on the shower floor.  Usually I showered after Aires in the morning, and there was always leg hair left behind.  I looked down, the shower floor was completely white, and I missed the hair, I could “see” the hair from when it used to be there.

Later on I was at Wegman’s and all of the sudden when I went past the fresh cooked food bar, I remembered how we used to meet there for dinner when the boys had swimming classes right by the Wegman’s, I looked at the food and I could “see” him getting his food.  Aires would make it a point to leave work on that day every week and come join us for dinner.  I know, silly, but the boys really loved it.

When I was driving home from Wegman’s I could “see” his car following me in the rearview mirror, with Jake sitting in the back seat, because he always rode home with daddy in the cool car.  I could “see” him in his sunglasses, smiling and waving at me.

I picked up Box Tops from Lunsford today, when I got home with a huge bag of ten to cut, I could “see” and “hear” Aires telling me to get over it and not be so OCD about everything having to be cut right on the line.  To go to bed instead of staying up late cutting Box Tops.  And then he would remind me that I’m crazy for always volunteering for everything.

And when the boys were having their golf lessons, even though they never had them there when Aires was alive, I could “see” him right there, sitting on the floor next to me, with a huge smile on his face, because not only were the boys taking golf lessons (he loved golf and really wanted them to learn and play with him), but they were enjoying themselves, learning, improving!  I could almost feel his presence and happiness.

I miss him all the time, I think of him all the time, I think of what he would have said and done in every situation, but this was different, I could actually “see” him there.  I don’t know why today, I don’t know why today felt different, it just was.

Maybe my imagination was hyper active today, maybe I miss him so much I just started seeing him in my mind, but maybe he felt that after feeling like I’ve taken a beating lately, maybe I needed to just “see” him happy and smiling.

Yesterday I signed my new Will and Trust, just mine, not ours anymore.  Puts a different perspective on things.  But in case anything happens to me, the boys are taken care of, that’s why I did it, that’s what’s important.  It was a day filled with mixed emotions, maybe that prompted today.

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