Real horror

I don’t know why, it’s not like I was thinking about it on purpose, in fact, I wasn’t at all!  But the image of me holding Aires’ hand at the hospital kept creeping into my mind today.  Here and there, a lot during your drive out to the apple orchard. I still can’t figure out why, but it made me sad.

And then when I went out tonight with the dogs for them to go to the bathroom, and heard all the people screaming at Cox Farms Fields of Fear, I came to a realization.

Not that I’ve ever liked scary stuff, I never have, I’ve never watched horror movies, I’ve never been to haunted houses, etc., etc., getting the daylights scared out of me is not my idea of fun.  Ever.

But tonight I realized I’ve probably seen more than most of the people at the farm.  And I have memories stuck in my head that they will never have from going on a scary hayride.  Memories that I can not erase, ever.  I’ve seen the real thing, it wasn’t only scary, it was horrifying.

I remember the body that was three times its normal size, I remember holding the hand that was so swollen it wouldn’t even bend, I remember squeezing it hard, a lot, because I knew that soon I would never be able to touch it again.  I remember the head and face that looked nothing like the man that I loved, the man that I married, the father of my children, the one that I was lucky enough to love for 24 years.  I remember the blood, real blood, some of it dried up from the accident, a lot of it new as it kept going in and coming right back out of him.  I remember holding that swollen hand, with dried blood on it, having my life flash in front of my eyes and not wanting any of that to be true.  I just wanted to wake up from the nightmare.

The nightmare will never end, it’s always here, it will always be here.  I will live with it for as long as I’m alive.  I don’t get to drive home after a few adrenaline filled hours and get over it.

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