Four Months

Four months, every month I think back, it feels like it’s been longer, and it feels like it was just yesterday.  Today it mostly feels like it’s been four years.  It feels like I’ve been through the ringer so many times, that it could only be four years, it couldn’t be four months.  But in my heart if feels like it was just yesterday, last night, that I left the hospital, alone.

I kept busy, very busy actually, so much so that I just now finally sat down!  It was good to be busy, I saw friends, I talked to friends, the boys had golf lessons, it was busy and distracting.  Of course I never forget what day it is, and as soon as there’s a silent moment, that’s the first thing on my head.  But today I was out there for me, to show myself and prove to myself that I could be “okay” today.  It helped that it was the day to get my eye threading and nails done, a little pampering always helps.  I also had lunch with good friends, and a margarita, which is always good for the soul.

As I’m set to do this all day today, I woke up with the plan of dressing up, putting my best attitude forward, and trying to make this day, not a bad day, try to make it an okay day.  What arrives first thing in the morning?  An article, that a friend posted on Facebook and hit a cord with me, not in a bad way.

http://www.nextavenue.org/a-different-script-for-grief/

I’m not going to say that I’m as “okay” as the lady in the article, I think she’s a little too “okay”, but it basically explains a lot of what I feel like.  The difference is, it looks like it came naturally to her, she just kept going and that’s what happened, I had to work at it, make a decision that this was the way my life was going to be, this was the way I was going to live it.  Aires always said if he went before me, he didn’t want me to be sad, he wanted me to be happy, to continue on, to celebrate his life, not mourn his death.  I’m trying to honor him as well with my way of being “okay”.

I am present for my kids, I am the mom they were used to before, I’m not a mess all the time, I don’t go around crying all the time, I don’t sit on the couch or lay in bed all day.  I’ve shown them that it’s okay to keep going, sing, dance, remember, talk about it, laugh, enjoy, and cry too.  I don’t beat the accident in my head over and over, I don’t think of “what if”, I’m not mad at Aires or his friends for staying out late, for driving home sleepy.  It happened, it is what it is, we now have to move on from that and adapt our lives to a new life we’re not familiar with.  But guess what?  Four months later, we’re still here, we’re happy in a sad way, we have our moments and then we move on with life.

I’m pretty much used to our new life, or as used as I’m going to get.  I still wake up many mornings wanting to tell Aires to turn off the alarm (it’s on his nightstand), or expect to clim over him to turn it off myself, then I realize he’s not there.  I still have my alone time in the shower in the morning, it’s part of my therapy to be ready for the day.  But I less and less want to send him a text when something happens.  And I less and less expect him to walk in the door.  It’s hard, but it’s reality, I have to get used to it.

I’m pretty okay with not being outwardly sad all the time, I’m okay with laughing out loud when something is funny, or when I’m with my friends.  I’m okay with singing and dancing with my kids, it’s what we used to do, it’s what we should continue to do.  I’m okay with going for girls nights, dressing up for them, feeling good about it.  I’m okay with going out to events with and without my kids, and have a drink or two when I’m out with friends.  I’m okay with my life as it is right now, I don’t like it, I certainly don’t love it, it comes nowhere close to what my life used to be, but I’m okay with my life.  It’s the best life I can make for the boys and myself right now, and they are happy, which in the end, is all that matters to me right now.

So, I’m not as okay as the lady in the article, but I am resilient, and I am strong, and I am okay with where I am, and who I am, and what I’m doing to live my life, raise my boys and honor my husband’s memory.

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