Fog day

It’s fog day, the day in between the accident and the day Aires passed away, every month is fog day.  There’s nothing to do, nothing to mark, just the day that I sat in the hospital and stared at Aires slowly passing away in front of my eyes.

It was a busy day, which I’m thankful for, I worked, then the boys came home, early dinner, soccer and flag football practices, dinner with a friend while Jake was at practice, then bedtime routine and now I just finished decorating the house for Halloween, because I promised I would.  We were waiting for the cleaning ladies to come so I could decorate when the house was clean.

I never know what to do with this day, it’s a nothingness day in the middle of the two most horrible days of my life.  Every month I sit around and wait for this day to go from sun up to sun down, there’s nothing to do, just sit and wait.  That’s why it feels like a fog, nothing going on.

I run through that day four months ago, when I was so scared, so scared of what was going to happen to us all.  I didn’t know if I could go on without Aires, we were a team, I had never done it alone, how would I do this?  This was also the day, that towards the end of the day, I had to start talking myself into finding a way to get… I can’t find the right word, it’s not past, or over, but I can’t find another word… I had to find a way to get past the pain, the hurt, the feeling of helplessness, the feeling of being alone, the all new future ahead, at the new horrible future ahead.  I had to tell myself that the boys needed me, the boys were all that mattered now, and there was no way I could let them down.  I had to be there for them, I had to be the anchor, I had to be the example, I had to instill security, make them feel like everything would be okay, that I could do it alone, we could do it alone.

This is the day I had to become the new me, a single me, find a way to come home and tell my boys that their daddy was going to die.  Have my heart broken into pieces over and over again, and survive it without totally falling apart, like I so wanted to do.  But I couldn’t, and I didn’t because I had a reason to go on strong, I had my boys futures in my hands at that moment and how I reacted was going to affect them for the rest of their lives.  I chose to be the best I could be for them, while dealing with the grief and the pain, but not letting it take over me.

It’s almost over.  Tomorrow is another hard day, but once again I have a busy one planned, busy is good.

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