Four months ago today Aires was in his car accident.  The dreaded time of the month has arrived again.  I’m trying to keep busy as usual, but it only really works part the time, it’s always in the back of my head.

Today for some reason, it’s stuck in my head that I didn’t get a lot of stories about Aires yet, not talking about the family, they will do it in time, but from co-workers, friends, I got some, but not too many.  And for some reason I got upset about that.  It’s not that we don’t have enough memories to last us a lifetime, but how nice to see daddy through someone else’s eyes.  I don’t know why it hit me today, I don’t know why I got obsessed about it.

It got to be too much, all I kept thinking and envisioning in my head was an old Aires, with grandkids on his lap, telling them stories of when he was little.  And that will never happen now, we don’t have those stories.  I had to leave the house, I went for a fast walk, I was out for a half hour, I needed to clear my head.  I was about to lose it!  I cried during the walk, several times.

But the best part is that as soon as I leave home and go around the corner, I get a text from a  friend.  She was at baseball, and remembers the first time she met Aires, on opening day, Jake was little, Josh was playing and Jake was just going on and on as if he had known her forever, as Jake does.  And she and Aires were laughing about it.  She texted to let me know that she was in the same spot and the memory came to her and she couldn’t shake it.  I smiled 🙂  He came through for me again, telling me it was okay, telling me to calm down, to relax.  (On a side note, I told her “someone” told her to send me the text.  She texted back “you might think I’m crazy, but I really felt urged to text you the moment I sat in the bleachers, staring at that spot.  That memory was clear as day.  I hesitated because I didn’t want to upset you or catch you off guard… but I really felt a nudge.”  No butterfly today, a friend’s text was my angel today).

So I put out another request to the Portuguese friends and family, I will send a request to his office coworkers again when I send in the thank you notes, and hopefully some more stories will come in.  I love the ones who say “you dad was a wonderful man”, but I would love to have more that say “one day we… this one time… ”

I’m keeping busy, as best I can, the dogs and kids are doing a great job at helping me stay distracted, I work tomorrow, first job since I’ve started back up, and I have lunch with friends on Thursday.  Things that bring me distraction and some kind of happiness are the best for days like this.  Thursday I have a marathon day planned.  It’s not getting easier, it’s getting harder.  I miss him more and more each day, it no longer feels like he’s away on a trip.  Or that he’s going to walk in the door any minute.  He’s gone.  It feels like he’s gone.


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