Losing weight

It’s very simple.  I’m losing weight, a little bit, but losing, I’m happy about it, though not about the two day cleanse, but I survived it.  I feel better, my bloated belly is gone and I can see myself start to look better.

People are telling me I’m looking better, looking good, I know nobody would tell me I look horrible anyway, I can see myself, I know when I look good, I’m not there yet.  I hope to be there before I need to wear jeans all the time, all winter long, so they actually fit.  Right now they don’t, but I’m getting closer.

Though everyone says I’m looking better, looking good, it just doesn’t register.  There was only one person I believed when he told me I looked good, and he told me that no matter what size I was.  But when I started to lose weight, he was my biggest source of strength and encouragement to stay on track.  He was also the only one I really believed when he said I was looking good.  Because it came with more than a you look good, it came with a twinkle in the eye and a naughty smile, and a naughty touch.

I miss my cheerleader a lot, especially when I’m in real need of the “you’ve got this, no big deal, you’ve deal with worse”, from the one person who can’t say it anymore.  I remember in my head all the other times he said it, all the other times I went on a diet, and lost weight.  I need that voice.  I don’t have that voice.  The memories help, but they’re in no way the same thing.

I feel like the whole world could be telling me right now that I look good, I look great, I look awesome, and it won’t register.  I can recognize it for myself when I do, I know the weight and body shape I have when I look good, I know what clothes fit when I look good, but I don’t have my one “you look good” that I want and that I always believed because it came from the heart, with love, not just for the outside me, but for the whole me that he married.  He never cared what I looked like, what my weight was, what my size was, I cared.  He didn’t.  He loved me for me, and that is the best feeling.

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