My pain

As I drove to the grocery store tonight, no, I wasn’t afraid of the storm coming in, I actually needed to go to the store, I was thinking, as I usually does.  I’ve always been a very realistic person, things are what they are, I can’t change it.  There is no gray in my life, things are black or white, gray is the enemy.  I’m also not the most emotional person, never have been, it takes a lot to make me cry.  I’ve also mentioned before how I try to not start crying during the day, because then it’s harder to stop and not do it again.  I try to cry when I’m on my own, I do cry in front of the boys, but not often.

Anyway, I was sitting there driving and thinking, how is it that I can keep this so separate.  How I can schedule myself to lose it in the shower in the morning, and at night when I type and I go to bed, but I keep it together during the day.  Sometimes even when people are crying in front of me, about my life, and this awful situation, I still keep my composure.

Well, I have learned how to keep the knot in my throat just that, a knot, to not let it go past that.  I learned how to do it when the boys stopped talking about Aires, because I always choked up when we talked about him.  So I learned how to not choke up, to choke up in my throat, in the knot, to not let it go past that.  And now we talk about daddy freely.  This keeps me being good with the knot.

But there has to be more to it, why don’t I cry in front of people?  I was not really sure myself!  So I started to have an own therapy session with myself, I do that a lot, I do my own therapy.  I came to the realization that the pain I feel, is the last connection I have to Aires.  It’s my pain, for him, for losing him, for missing him, for not having him here to talk to and touch.  It’s my pain, no one else’s and I want to keep it that way.  It’s mine for him.  Like with so many other things in our lives, we kept to ourselves, we did our own thing, it was just the two of us.  This has become my new “us”.  It’s the way I feel for/about him that day.  Some days that knot is in my throat all day, and I do cry several times during the day when I’m alone.  Sometimes I laugh out loud remembering something that he/we said/did.

No matter what, it’s mine.  All mine.  I’m not sharing it with anybody.  It’s the last thing I have that is common to us, private to us.  And no, he’s not sharing it with me, but in my head and in my heart, it’s ours.  I think this is why I can keep my composure in front of people.  I can talk about everything without showing any emotion, I’m very matter of fact about it.  Because that’s me, it’s reality, I can’t change it, I can talk about it because it is what it is.  I can have any conversation, talk about anything without shedding a tear.  Tears are cried in private, when I am alone with my pain, and missing Aires, when I talk to him in my head, in my heart, even out loud.  Those are the only moments I have now that are anywhere close to being private, between us.  And I’m not willing to share them.  I’m not willing to share my pain with the world, it’s mine to feel.

So there, I’ve once again figured myself out 🙂

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Headache

Tonight I have a migraine, I’ve been trying to push through it, but I can’t, and it’s killing me.  I have to go to bed, I’ve been fighting it since this afternoon and it’s not going away, it’s not getting better, and I can finally take medication, real medication for it and go to sleep.  I’ve not had one of these in a long time, but I guess it finally caught up to me.  Like everything else, sooner or later, everything catches up, right?

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Bad things

When I hear about someone passing away, it just brings all the bad feelings back. The words alone, any word do to with loss, my heart shrinks a little every time I hear them.  And though I don’t know all the details, or even the people involved, just a short  three months after my own loss, there’s been so much more going on in our little community.

This weekend we had a very sad loss, it hit “close” to home, because it involves someone who is at our elementary school.  I don’t know the family well at all, but I know who they are, and I know part of what they’re going through, and it’s so sad.  Like I said in a blog post before, loss is loss, no matter who you lost.  We all deal with it differently depending on who we lost, but loss is loss.

And as I feel for the families, because I have an idea of what they may be going through, it brings everything else to the surface of my own loss.  I’m in no way trying to make their loss about me, not in the least.  It’s just a thing now, I hear loss, I have a weird connection to the people, and it brings all my feelings back to the surface.

I had no idea that other peoples’ lives would affect me so much.  I never knew that losing my husband would make me have a weird kind of bond with people who have experienced any kind of loss.  It’s too much sometimes, too many feelings, but at the same time it’s incredible to have this connection.  It’s the “wrong” kind of connection to have, but it’s also comforting because we all know we’re not alone in our pain, other people understand it, sympathize for real and really get what you’re going through.

It’s sad, it’s depressing, it’s a little paralyzing, it’s raw and painful.  The first couple of weeks after the loss are very hard, and they’re a haze, and they’re numbing.  I think the last couple of days I’ve gone back there a few times.  And just a week or so ago, I was there too.  Too much loss going on around us.

None of this going around me is helping with me resolution to eat better and lose weight.  I was going to start today, but I only half started.  Tomorrow is a new day and I’ll try again.

My love goes out to all that are experiencing these awful feelings of helplessness, of wanting to have changed the outcome, some way somehow, but obviously not being able to.  My love goes out to the new family who lost their sweet loved one. It doesn’t get better, it doesn’t get easier, it doesn’t get any less painful, we just learn how to better function while feeling all of that.

Please pray, send positive vibes to the people in our community, there have been a few bad things going on, we need to send this dark cloud hanging over us as far as we can send it!

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Math

I just lost it a little bit, well, okay a monster bit.  I get home from a birthday party with Jake, it’s time to get the boys to bed and Josh tells me that he has homework to do still.  Math homework.  Now let me tell you, Josh is the responsible one, I never have to tell you to do homework, or projects, or whatever.  He stays on top of things.  For him to wait until the last minute, I know exactly what it is, it’s happened before.  But now everything is different!!!

For him to wait until the last minute, means that he doesn’t know how to do it.  He’s having a hard time with that unit and he’s lots.  He didn’t want to do it because he didn’t know how to do it.  So he put it off until he couldn’t anymore.  And then it was too late.  Normally Aires would help Josh with Math homework, it’s the one thing that I can’t wrap my brain around, to save my life!  Aires was the Math “tutor”/helper in the house.  He would come home earlier than usual when needed, he would work with Josh over the weekend.

I know a lot of people have offered to help Josh with the math, but though I insisted on calling someone to come over and help he refused.  He is embarrassed, I don’t want to force something on him when he’s already so depressed about being “stupid and I shouldn’t be in this hard class, I’m too stupid for it!”  He cried and cried, and I couldn’t do much to help at all.  I asked Google, who was able to help with a couple of answers, but if he doesn’t quite understand the process, we’re defeating the purpose.  And of course he has a test on it tomorrow, which is freaking him out even more.

We had a huge life lesson today about telling me that he needs help in advance of it being falling apart.  We also decided that I’m going to hire a tutor, a total stranger, for now anyway, because if it becomes too many hours, then I’ll have to ask my friends for help, whether he’s embarrassed or not!  But for now, we’ll go with the stranger.  He knows that I will do anything I can to help him, but I can’t help him myself, I will have to get him help, and he’s going to have to get used to it.  Life is what life is, our circumstances are what they are, nothing will change that, we have to adapt to the new situation and make the best of it.

The lowest point of the night though, was when he said, crying hard tears “I wish daddy was here”.  It just cut my heart into little pieces, my baby needed his daddy, needed him for something important, and he’s not here.  It’s the pain of not having his father here, with him, everyday, for all things, now combined with the pain that he’s not here to help with the things only he could help with.   That one sentence just took everything out of me, I wanted to fall down crying right then and there, but I couldn’t, I had to stay strong for him, keep positive for him, keep him focused and hoping to gently coax him out of the state of sadness and desperation that he was in.

I tell you, the hurt in my heart, for myself is enormous, but when I see my babies in pain and suffering missing their daddy, in whatever way that it may be, then the pain in my heart is gigantic.  I feel their pain and mine at the same time, it’s excruciating, I want so much to have daddy here for them.  I would even give up having him here for me if I could have him here for them, but I can’t, we can’t, he’s gone.

And so we keep going, another day, another new first when we need daddy and we don’t have him.  Another first that we have to adjust our life and deal with things the new way.  We hate the new way, but it’s the only way we have now.

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Feeling cheated

I’m feeling cheated, cheated out of a life that I should have had.  Of a husband I should have grown old with, loved for many years to come, shared the wonderful moments in life that are to come, such as the boys getting married and having children.  I feel cheated for the boys as well, they will no longer have daddy there for anything ever again, no matter how small or big of an event it may be.  Our “having daddy there” now consists of us wearing necklaces with ashes in them.

But today I’m being a brat, and I’m being selfish, I’m feeling cheated in a more selfish spoiled way.  I no longer have anyone to divide and conquer with.  I have lots of help, and I’m very thankful for it, we will probably never have to miss an event unless we really want to because we have so many wanting to help.  But I was spoiled, we could divide and conquer and not have to ask anyone.  We got to spend time alone with our kids while driving them to different things.  We got to experience things alone with them, whether it was a game or a birthday party or any kind of event, we got to be one on one.  Now one of them gets to go with friends, it’s not a bad thing, but it’s not the same thing.

I’m feeling cheated out of my back up at home when I wanted to go out.  If I had a girls night, I could go.  I didn’t have to think about more than did Aires have anything going on himself, or was he able to be home from work on time.  Now I have to think of the boys, when was the last time I was out alone?  I don’t want to do it too often, leave them “alone”.  This was not only a chance for me to relax with the girls, but also for Aires and the boys to spend time alone, for them to all figure things out without me doing it all.  Aires always did thing different from me, it was called “daddy’s way”.   They had a father and sons night, enjoyed themselves and I went out and took a load off with the girls.  Now it’s different, I do go out, but I have to take them more into consideration.  I feel guilty leaving them all the time, so I don’t.  It’s not that I don’t ever go out, not at all, but I’m way more selective now of when I do go out.

If we’re talking about being cheated and going out, I have to say, I’m feeling very cheated out of date night.  We loved date night, we loved spending time alone as a couple.  We enjoyed each other’s company a lot, it was so special to be able to go out as a couple, without the kids and enjoy a few drinks and a good meal.  Talk about whatever, mostly me doing the talking, laughing, snorting a lot in the middle, making myself laugh some more.  Aires would have a smile on his face all night and would also have some good laughs.  I feel cheated out of every single moment we could have had together, we should have had together.

I know a lot of people do it every day, hey I’m doing it too.  It’s not easy, but I’m doing it.  And the kids have no idea of any of this, I make it very natural.  They are aware that we are having friends help us a lot more than we used to, but they understand that it’s normal since there’s only me now.  They don’t know the turmoil inside me every time I have to ask someone to do something that normally Aires would do.  I am a single mom, I hate that word, single… I never wanted to be a single mom, I never ever imagined I’d be a single mom.  Some single moms are that because they chose to be, others have not much of a choice if they want to continue to be happy, others like me don’t have a choice at all.  I’m sure it’s not easy for any of us, but I imagine it’s a little different for the ones who didn’t have any choice in the matter at all.

Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself, I think I deserve some of that.

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Meals

Today was the last day of meals provided for us by our dear friends and neighbors.  I have to thank everyone who brought us a meal, or gave us a gift card to go out and eat, for the last three and a half months, I’ve not had to think about dinner and lunch most days.

It was the last thing on my mind most days, especially at the beginning, having it just magically show up, it was a weight off my mind for sure.  And the meals, oh the meals, they were all so good, and they were all made with love.  I could feel the love when I picked them up from the cooler, and when I would look under the foil and when we were eating it.  I could feel the love and support everyone put into those yummy meals.

I’ve been very spoiled, and I continue to be, I had to buy a small freezer, and it’s totally full with leftovers from all the wonderful meals that we were given.  I will start to cook, after all I better get back out there, I miss it a little actually.  And the boys miss some of the meals I make, they’ve asked me to cook, but I will sprinkle all the frozen stuff in as well.  We will be well fed until the end of the year 🙂

To you it was just a meal, or a gift card, to us it meant not only that we were fed wonderfully, but that so many people out there cared so much about us.  So much so that the list to sign up for meals had to be extended to accommodate all the people who were asking about bringing a meal but hadn’t signed up in time and all the slots were full.  This all really warms my heart.

This whole experience was a huge act of love, it’s what it felt like.  The kids got very spoiled too, every time we got home from somewhere they would go and check the cooler that was out front.  Even if it wasn’t a food drop off day.  Because so many other wonderful little “presents” showed up in there.  They were always wondering if there was anything in there.  Not that we expected it, but things did just show up.  Lots of them anonymously, which showed the love that much more.  They too felt the love, in those small moments when they would find something in the cooler, they would have a huge smile on their face, not so much for what was left in there, but for the fact that there was something in there.  I can’t explain it, but it’s as if they felt the love and support too, even though they didn’t quite understand that they did.  And it made my heart smile.

We three, sometimes even the five, yes, the doggies got some fun treats from some people too, you all know that made me so happy.  Like I was saying , we have been given a huge, hug from friends and neighbors.  The boys witnessed real support and love from people they don’t even know.  I never wanted the accident to happen, to lose Aires, but it did happen, I had not control over that.  I never expected the amount of support that we received, but I do have to say, that support, some days, was all that kept me going.  During the summer, when the boys would be in the basement all day, and I would let them because that meant they couldn’t see me and I didn’t have to keep it together all the time.  In those days, when I got a meal or anything out of the cooler, I felt the support, and I would think, I can do this, look at how many people you have behind you!

It was kind of a rough week, most of them are, I just get better and better at dealing with it.  Or maybe I’m getting used to things not being easy and I’m rolling with the punches instead of fighting them.  Maybe it was the massage that took away all the pent up stress that had been there since the accident, and by my back feeling better, I started feeling better.  Maybe I’m on the “high” of the cycle, and when I hit the low again, I’ll be the same mess I was before, just a week ago.  I don’t know, whatever it is, today I actually felt okay.  I’m still overwhelmed by all that I have on my to do list, I’m still not happy with the process, how long it takes to get anything done, how this continues to be a one step forward-five steps back kind of process.  Today I felt okay, and to get that meal out of the cooler at the end of the day, put a huge smile on my face.  We are lucky to be so loved.  Thank you all, and we love you back.

 
  

Loss is loss

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I ran across this post today on Facebook, I follow this lady.  Some posts, most posts she’s right on target, some posts she’s way off, in the way of thinking that I have myself.  I relate in a lot of ways, sometimes I read what she writes and I think, I could have written that!  This was also sent to me in a message from someone going through the same kind of loss that I’m going through.  It’s like I was really meant to read it and read it again.

The second time I read it, I actually read a lot of the comments.  And in them, it’s obvious the crazy amount of people going through what I’m going through, people of all ages.  And so many others going through some different kind of loss.  What becomes obvious is that, no matter what kind of loss we have, we all experience the same exact thing… loss.  Whether it’s a husband, a parent, a child, a friend, a fiancé, loss is loss.  We all are broken in some way, we all are looking for how to go on without that person in our lives.

We all go through the process of grieving, some people do things sooner than others, but we all go through the same process.

What I really like about this post, is that it talks about there being no cookie cutter way of doing things.  We all have to do what works for us, however it works for us.  There is no wrong way about it, there’s only our way, and that’s always the right way.  And it also occurred to me that the same way the “outside world” doesn’t fully understand what we’re going through, because they’ve not experienced it, they also don’t fully understand how we go through it so differently.  Some people may even judge or talk about the way we mourn/not mourn, are happy/are sad, move on/stand still, etc.

The truth is, when you lose someone who you truly love, who was a part of you, who was somehow part of your identity, you are left with half a person, or a missing hole, or a missing part, for sure a broken heart.  But because we are all different people, different personalities, different attitudes, different OCDs (or lack there of), we all have to go through the process differently.  And also true, we have no idea of what the future holds, how we will deal with the pain tomorrow, are we going to cry all day?  Are we going to laugh?  Are we going to have fond memories?  Are we going to completely try to ignore and forget what’s going on?  We don’t know, we take it day by day, it’s all we can do.

Some people may be able to move on and find joy in life/a new husband or wife/have move children/get a surrogate parent, whatever the situation may be.  That is great for them, they are able to move on from their grief and find another being, not to ever replace the one they lost, no that never will happen, but to kind  of fill in the same role they used to have.  Some people may never find a person to fill in the gap, but still live joyful and happy lives, continuing with only the people left in their lives, because they are enough.  Some people may never recover, and though I feel sad for them, my hope is for all of us to eventually still be happy in some ways, but some people are just broken beyond repair.

Like I said, I think it depends on each person, who they are, what they are, who they want to be, who they will become as the new them.  Most of us don’t know, we have no clue, we may want this or that, but what we want may not ever be reachable.  Taking it day by day, we may make it to the goal, we may not.  We may come up with a new goal, maybe even every new day becomes a new goal.

The point is, there’s no right or wrong way, there’s just our way.  People tell me all the time “my loss is in no way like yours, or, I’m in no way comparing my loss to yours”.  The way I see it, loss is loss at its core.  We all suffer and we all have to find our way.  We may waver back and forth, the usual good days, bad days, they may even become weeks, months and years.  No matter, there’s no timeline for anything.  We do what we need to do to survive every day, for ourselves, for the ones around us, and to honor the memory of the ones who left us.

Many many many times a day, I recall so many different conversations Aires and I used to have.  He was convinced that he would die at 40, he believed he was going to get cancer and die.  So he often would start joking around about stuff that I didn’t like talking about.  But one of the things he would say every single time was that he wanted me to be happy and live life when he was gone.  I know, it’s weird and morbid and I hated it every time he brought it up, but now here I sit, trying very hard to do what he wanted me to do.  Just like he wanted his funeral to be a celebration of his life, I did that, he also wanted loud music and dancing.  I always told him I couldn’t promise him that.  In the same way, he wanted me to be happy and get married again.  I always firmly told him I would not in any way shape or form promise him that.

Bad days will happen, good days will happen, the time will pass, I can’t believe how long it’s been already, it’s still all very surreal to me.  All I know, and I can only speak for myself, is that I’m completely out of my comfort zone, I don’t know what to do next, what to plan or think, nothing is the same, nothing feels right.  But nonetheless, I continue to go on, because my boys need me to be there for them, to provide them with security, to be strong for us and be the rock that keeps us standing.

   

About me

I continue to feel lost with all this attorney stuff.  I know that she’s taking me in the right direction, and that she will get things done right, I just hate that I don’t understand some of the stuff.   I should want to understand it all, but I really don’t.  I want to hire people who know what they’re doing, who then set it all up correctly, manage it correctly and I don’t have to worry about it more than to just keep an eye on it.

It’s not something I ever wanted to have to deal with, and now I do.  I will make sure it’s done correctly because my boys’ future depends on it.  However, I don’t really want to learn how to do it myself.  I want someone who knows what they’re doing to do it.  I’m the first to recognize when something is above my head, and I’d rather pay for someone who knows what they’re doing to take care of it.

But this is the pain in the ass that keeps on giving!  Apparently I should have talked to the attorney first, before anybody else, because half the stuff we did was done wrong and everything is on hold right now.  You all know what things on hold do to me.  I need things to get resolved, none of this is helping the stress on my back and shoulders!  So now we’re paddling back, going to go through everything, set it up correctly before continuing to move forward.

I know I keep saying it, but I can’t wait for everything to be done!  I feel like I’ve been “on hold” for three months now.  I don’t do “on hold” very well, if I have something to get done, I do it!  Especially when it’s something this important.  This is seriously driving me crazy!  Talk about stress!!!!

Talking about stress, my desk upstairs is a mess of things that I have to get to, things that are on hold, things that I don’t know what to do with, things I’ve been putting off.  Every time I look at it, I feel the stress and I almost start twitching.  That feeling of “I have to get away” comes back all over again.  I don’t want to feel that anymore, I want to be home and be happy to be home, to feel like I want to get away from home.  Like I said, I need to get this all done so that I can pick up the pieces and move on.

And talking about picking up the pieces and moving on, last week I finally put away Aires’ golf shoes, they sat in the garage for three months without me moving them.  Today, I took the golf bag from the garage to the basement storage.  Once again, it was one of those things that was either in the garage, or in the trunk of the car.  I couldn’t bring myself to take it downstairs, it “belonged” in the garage.  I don’t know why, today I looked at it, and had the courage to touch it, and carry it downstairs.  It was hard to do that, I don’t want to change anything that was, but I don’t have much choice.  When I have days that I feel strong enough to do something, I have to do it right away, because I never know when I’ll have the courage again.

Mostly today I was kind of depressed with something that is “normal”, nothing to do with Aires.  I’ve gained weight, lots of weight, I don’t feel good, I get tired way more easily, clothes don’t fit.  It’s time for me to do something about it.  I’m upset at myself for letting myself get this far, I do that every time I gain weight, it’s not a new thing.  Then I dread the losing weight process, mostly because I have to eat way less, way better, oh, and WAY LESS!!!!!  For someone who loves food, that is a hard thing to do.  I know what I need to do to lose weight, I know that it’s going to be extra hard to lose it because of being “old” as my doctor keeps telling me.  And I’m just not looking forward to any of it.  Also, why is it that it takes not time to put it on and forever to lose it?  Anyway, enough whining.

It’s kind of strange though, the losing weight thing, that’s all about me.  I’ve been through it many times in the past (like I said, I love food and sooner or later end up enjoying it too much).  But thinking about it, thinking about what I have to do, beating myself up for gaining so much weight, it’s all about me.  For the first time in three and a half months, I thought of something that was just to do with me.  Because it’s always been a me thing, and it’s kind of weird, to have something that I’m dealing with, that is just mine.  Everything else right now revolves around the fact that Aires is gone, everything is upside down because he’s gone.  But not this, this is just me, my fault, my doing, my problem, always was and always will be.  Very very strange to feel weird and normal at the same time about something that is just mine.

But I do need to go to sleep.  I’m starting to get tired again, when I get tired, everything starts to go south.  And tomorrow is another doozie of a day.

  

 

Massage

I finally had to accept the fact that I’m completely stressed, my back and my neck couldn’t take it anymore.  I woke up last night in the middle of the night with pain on my shoulders, stress pain.  In the morning when I wake up, I can’t even move my neck from side to side.  My back has been hurting during the day for a while now, it’s tight, it’s obviously stress.  But I just kept taking muscle relaxers here and there to see if it would help.

With all the stress I’m under all the time, I guess no muscle relaxer is going to cut it.  But Aires always had been the one to take care of the knots on my back.  This is not a new thing, I get knots all the time, my back hurts, he would massage the hell out of it, it would hurt really bad, but he would take care of it.  And I loved that he did that for me, I would go to a spa and they didn’t even get close to doing what he could do.  I loved that nobody was able to give as good a massage as I got at home.

Of course I never went to a “real” masseuse like the one I went to today.  But I was happy with the massages I got at home.  And somehow going somewhere to get a massage is like accepting that I need one and can’t get one at home, like I used to.  It’s accepting the fact that this will never happen again, I will have to go to strangers to get help with my knots.  Not that I’ve not gone through this every single day since June 6th, because my back/shoulders started to hurt right away, talk about stress!!!!  But today was like giving in, accepting for sure that one more  thing will NEVER happen again.

One thing at a time I will accept them all, but every time I have to accept a new one, it’s a whole process.  It’s accepting that all the memories I have of the one specific thing will never happen again.  The one individual thing.  Ever again.

So, I guess what I’m saying is, in general I know Aires is gone, he will never come back.  But then more than just that, there are all the small things, small memories, small events, that I have to accept one at a time.  And I’m stubborn and want to hold on to some of them.  I’m going to say it’s because it hurts so bad all over again every time I do accept one thing.  And today there was physical pain along with spiritual pain, it almost felt like I was being punished for something.

It’s hard to explain how every little thing hurts, how after three months, there are still so many little things I’ve not dealt with.  Maybe not everybody deals with it this way, maybe some people accept the inevitability of things and move on.  They don’t have to go and individualize the process.  But I’m me, I’m different, always have been, and I’m a detail person, everything hangs on the details, so I guess it makes sense that this is how I’m dealing with everything.

I got a good massage, I got beat up, I feel beat up, but not from the massage.

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Random thoughts

Today’s objective, just get through the day, no more, no less.

Overthinking anything will only result in more stress, it won’t resolve the actual issue.

Putting emails off until I have no choice but to respond, works some days, other days I forget about them for too long and miss the deadline… oops!

Crying relieves stress and releases feelings, but it does not solve any problems.

Baby dogs give me as many worries and white hairs as baby humans!

I will forever want what I can never have.

I will forever love the one who can no longer love me back.

I will forever be grateful to have had him in my life for 24 years.

I will forever cherish the love, the life, the family we created together.

I will never get used to waking up alone.

I will never get used to not hearing his voice.

I will never get used to not feeling his touch.

I will never get used to not have him around.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I will do my very best to make it the best it can be for the three/five of us.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I’m sure it will bring some kind of stress.

I don’t know (in some ways) who I am right now.

I don’t know how we will make it, but I know we will make it.

I do know that we are loved, and love back.

I do know that we are supported, and will give support back when needed.

I do know that we have many friends, and we love you all.

I do know that I will fight until the very end.

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