As I drove to the grocery store tonight, no, I wasn’t afraid of the storm coming in, I actually needed to go to the store, I was thinking, as I usually does. I’ve always been a very realistic person, things are what they are, I can’t change it. There is no gray in my life, things are black or white, gray is the enemy. I’m also not the most emotional person, never have been, it takes a lot to make me cry. I’ve also mentioned before how I try to not start crying during the day, because then it’s harder to stop and not do it again. I try to cry when I’m on my own, I do cry in front of the boys, but not often.
Anyway, I was sitting there driving and thinking, how is it that I can keep this so separate. How I can schedule myself to lose it in the shower in the morning, and at night when I type and I go to bed, but I keep it together during the day. Sometimes even when people are crying in front of me, about my life, and this awful situation, I still keep my composure.
Well, I have learned how to keep the knot in my throat just that, a knot, to not let it go past that. I learned how to do it when the boys stopped talking about Aires, because I always choked up when we talked about him. So I learned how to not choke up, to choke up in my throat, in the knot, to not let it go past that. And now we talk about daddy freely. This keeps me being good with the knot.
But there has to be more to it, why don’t I cry in front of people? I was not really sure myself! So I started to have an own therapy session with myself, I do that a lot, I do my own therapy. I came to the realization that the pain I feel, is the last connection I have to Aires. It’s my pain, for him, for losing him, for missing him, for not having him here to talk to and touch. It’s my pain, no one else’s and I want to keep it that way. It’s mine for him. Like with so many other things in our lives, we kept to ourselves, we did our own thing, it was just the two of us. This has become my new “us”. It’s the way I feel for/about him that day. Some days that knot is in my throat all day, and I do cry several times during the day when I’m alone. Sometimes I laugh out loud remembering something that he/we said/did.
No matter what, it’s mine. All mine. I’m not sharing it with anybody. It’s the last thing I have that is common to us, private to us. And no, he’s not sharing it with me, but in my head and in my heart, it’s ours. I think this is why I can keep my composure in front of people. I can talk about everything without showing any emotion, I’m very matter of fact about it. Because that’s me, it’s reality, I can’t change it, I can talk about it because it is what it is. I can have any conversation, talk about anything without shedding a tear. Tears are cried in private, when I am alone with my pain, and missing Aires, when I talk to him in my head, in my heart, even out loud. Those are the only moments I have now that are anywhere close to being private, between us. And I’m not willing to share them. I’m not willing to share my pain with the world, it’s mine to feel.
So there, I’ve once again figured myself out 🙂