The boys had a really good first day of school. I saw Jake at lunch, he was all smiles, happy hanging out with is friends. I knew Josh would be fine, he’s a little older, it’s his second year of middle school, and he’s just like me, I knew he’d be fine.
I was fine too, it was a very busy day, what I call a “Raquel Day”. It basically means I don’t stop from morning until night, it’s a go go go kind of day. I thought about Aires a few times though, mostly when we were doing the pictures in the morning. I used the tripod so we could still take a picture of the three of us, we did the usual pictures/poses in front of the door. One other thing that didn’t change from what it’s been since Josh was in Kindergarten, but at the same time, it changed completely because there’s no picture of Aires and the boys.
I did have a moment during the day, after I had lunch with friends and was coming back home, where my mind went to “when I tell Aires I went to lunch today, he’ll laugh because I do it every first day of school, it’s no surprise”. And I even had a smile on my face, and then it’s like I was not just slapped, but slapped with a giant hand in the very front of my face. I had to quick get over it, it’s never easy when these situations happen, when I think that Aires is still right there, and then realize he’s not.
Sometimes, it still feels like this isn’t happening, like he’ll walk in the door at night and Rocky will jump for joy to have her daddy home to play ball with her. All the time it still feels like this is just a horrible dream, it hasn’t sunk it totally, I’ve not allowed it to happen. It’s a whole lot of reasons why not, makes me feel better, keeps me from completely crashing down, slowly and easy is better. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in denial, that ship sailed a long time ago. It’s just a weird sort of self protection, where I let go of one little piece at a time and protect myself.
This past week has brought us a lot of firsts, all too close to one another. It’s been rough around here, but we’ve made it and today I had lots of smiles. We’re doing it, one day at a time, one first at a time, we’re doing it.
Today there was a form from Middle School asking if the student wanted to talk to the counselor about some issues going at home, one of the options was about grieving the loss of a loved one. I asked Josh if that was something he wanted to do, he said “why would I go talk to strangers about it, I have the best person to talk to right here”, and he gave me a hug. We are making it.
When I tucked Jake to bed tonight, he said “my brain and my body are tired. I was talking to myself all day at school to stay quiet and do the right thing. I know when we start to actually learn, then my brain will get busy learning. And then we and practice, so my body is very tired too. I’m so tired, I’m going to go to sleep, I’m good tonight mommy”. We are making it.
Today I finally got the 401K and the life insurance done and taking care of, that was huge. I hate to have to need it, and to be so “happy” that it’s finalized and taken care of, but this is my new reality. This is huge, this is our future right here. It also means that I have checked off two huge items from my to do list, and a lot of the back and forth phone calls about these two things over the last two months, are finished. It was a day full of ups and downs, conflicted feelings, but in the end not a horrible day. We are making it.
I’m still behind on a lot of things, not just the things I still have to change the names to put in my name only, but the thank you notes I know I don’t need to write, but want to write. And the album for Jake’s birthday, that I haven’t even started. And I’m also considering starting to do some work for iOrganize again, just to keep my mind off things now that the kids are in school. There’s a lot going on, mostly inside my head, that’s where everything happens. I’ll figure it out as I go along. I continue to be exhausted, and I’m sleeping fine, I’m sure it’s all stress. But all these emotions I’m going through, and the boys are going through, these are all normal, they’re all part of the process, the process we are going through. Eventually we will settle down, I will settle down, when all the name changes are done and the finances are in place, the lawyers and accountant are done with, I will start to breathe easier (hopefully), until then… we are making it.