We are making it.

The boys had a really good first day of school.  I saw Jake at lunch, he was all smiles, happy hanging out with is friends.  I knew Josh would be fine, he’s a little older, it’s his second year of middle school, and he’s just like me, I knew he’d be fine.

I was fine too, it was a very busy day, what I call a “Raquel Day”.  It basically means I don’t stop from morning until night, it’s a go go go kind of day.  I thought about Aires a few times though, mostly when we were doing the pictures in the morning.  I used the tripod so we could still take a picture of the three of us, we did the usual pictures/poses in front of the door.  One other thing that didn’t change from what it’s been since Josh was in Kindergarten, but at the same time, it changed completely because there’s no picture of Aires and the boys.

I did have a moment during the day, after I had lunch with friends and was coming back home, where my mind went to “when I tell Aires I went to lunch today, he’ll laugh because I do it every first day of school, it’s no surprise”.  And I even had a smile on my face, and then it’s like I was not just slapped, but slapped with a giant hand in the very front of my face.  I had to quick get over it, it’s never easy when these situations happen, when I think that Aires is still right there, and then realize he’s not.

Sometimes, it still feels like this isn’t happening, like he’ll walk in the door at night and Rocky will jump for joy to have her daddy home to play ball with her.  All the time it still feels like this is just a horrible dream, it hasn’t sunk it totally, I’ve not allowed it to happen.  It’s a whole lot of reasons why not, makes me feel better, keeps me from completely crashing down, slowly and easy is better.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in denial, that ship sailed a long time ago.  It’s just a weird sort of self protection, where I let go of one little piece at a time and protect myself.

This past week has brought us a lot of firsts, all too close to one another.  It’s been rough around here, but we’ve made it and today I had lots of smiles.  We’re doing it, one day at a time, one first at a time, we’re doing it.

Today there was a form from Middle School asking if the student wanted to talk to the counselor about some issues going at home, one of the options was about grieving the loss of a loved one.  I asked Josh if that was something he wanted to do, he said “why would I go talk to strangers about it, I have the best person to talk to right here”, and he gave me a hug.  We are making it.

When I tucked Jake to bed tonight, he said “my brain and my body are tired.  I was talking to myself all day at school to stay quiet and do the right thing.  I know when we start to actually learn, then my brain will get busy learning.  And then we and practice, so my body is very tired too.  I’m so tired, I’m going to go to sleep, I’m good tonight mommy”.  We are making it.

Today I finally got the 401K and the life insurance done and taking care of, that was huge.  I hate to have to need it, and to be so “happy” that it’s finalized and taken care of, but this is my new reality.  This is huge, this is our future right here.  It also means that I have checked off two huge items from my to do list, and a lot of the back and forth phone calls about these two things over the last two months, are finished.  It was a day full of ups and downs, conflicted feelings, but in the end not a horrible day.  We are making it.

I’m still behind on a lot of things, not just the things I still have to change the names to put in my name only, but the thank you notes I know I don’t need to write, but want to write.  And the album for Jake’s birthday, that I haven’t even started.  And I’m also considering starting to do some work for iOrganize again, just to keep my mind off things now that the kids are in school.  There’s a lot going on, mostly inside my head, that’s where everything happens.  I’ll figure it out as I go along.  I continue to be exhausted, and I’m sleeping fine, I’m sure it’s all stress.  But all these emotions I’m going through, and the boys are going through, these are all normal, they’re all part of the process, the process we are going through.  Eventually we will settle down, I will settle down, when all the name changes are done and the finances are in place, the lawyers and accountant are done with, I will start to breathe easier (hopefully), until then… we are making it.

 

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Jake

Tucking Jake into bed tonight…

Jake: Can I have a couple of tissues?

Me: Why baby, what’s wrong?

Jake: You know…

Me: Do you want to talk about it?  We should talk about it.  Tell me what’s bothering you.

Jake: This summer was stupid!!!

Me: Why?  Why was it stupid?

Jake: Because we did all the things, but…  It’s stupid!  Why did it have to happen to us?  It’s not fair!!!!  (tears flowing)

My heart breaks for my sweet sensitive boy.  We spent a long time sitting in his bed and talking.  Josh sat on the floor, didn’t say anything but shed a few tears as well.

They’ve had a very tough summer, though we’ve done so much, everything we had planned to do in fact, there’s a huge piece of the puzzle missing.  They miss their daddy everyday, but really miss him when we are out doing things, because those were the special moments they had together.  That’s when daddy was there for them, really there, the whole day or weekend or week, there to play with them, do what they wanted to do.  So yes, the summer was very tough, starting with losing their father and continuing with him not being here for all the things we did.

But I think the last couple of days have brought a whole bunch of new feelings up again for us all, but Jake voiced them.  This is another first, the first day of school without daddy.  It’s obvious they know that school is starting, we’ve been preparing for it.  But now it’s really here.  And yesterday we were at soccer all day, that was daddy’s thing, he loved it, he paid attention to that game like no one else.  He followed every play, and that sweet gently shy man would actually yell at the ref when there was a wrong call or no call at all.  So as I missed Aires yesterday at the soccer field, I’m sure Jake and Josh did too.  There was no daddy there to whistle at Josh as a reminder to pick up the pace or pay attention.  There was no daddy there at half time and in between games to kick the ball around with Josh and Jake.  I’m very sure that didn’t go unnoticed.  We’ve also started flag football practice for him, and at the first practice most of the dads were there, they were helping with practice.  Jake was used to Aires helping with some practices, if he was ever able to make it home early enough, he would not just show up to practice, he would always help if help was needed.  I’m sure Jake is feeling like he’s the only kid without a dad out there, as he looks around, all his friends/team mates have a dad, except him.  And he misses having his dad, he misses it terribly!

And then today, I was getting everything ready, several times I mentioned “don’t let me forget to take pictures”.  As a side note, I love pictures, I take pictures of everything, and lately I find myself forgetting the camera all the time.  I’m sure it’s my way of dealing with the fact that there’s someone missing from the pictures, so I don’t want to take them.  But back to Jake.  I’m sure all this preparation for school, me talking about pictures, it was just the last drop for him.

In his own little Jake words he summed up what we’ve all been feeling.  “This summer was stupid”.  This summer was horrible, from beginning to end.  Though we went places and we did things and they had many moments of real fun and enjoyment, the ever-present reality was that none of the three of us wanted to be doing any of it without daddy.

We always talk about him when we go and do something new, either remembering what we did in years past at the same place with him, or how he would have loved/done/said this or that if he was here.  That was our reality, everything was tainted with the pain of daddy being gone.

By the time the boys went to sleep, we had talked, and cried and Jake was feeling a little better and had stopped crying.  This is a new road for us, one that we are discovering one day at a time, one situation at a time, it’s not something we want to do, but it’s something we have to do.  I wish I could take this pain away from my babies, but all I can do is help guide them through the road to deal with their grief.

We just keep taking it one day at a time, that’s all we can do.  There is no greater sadness than seeing your child sad and hurting.  Especially when hurting for something that you can never give him back, or ever make better.  I can’t fix it, all I can do is love him and hug him and try to say the words that hopefully will give him some guidance and comfort.

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First day of school last year.

Happy 23rd!

Today was not meant to be easy, it will never be easy.  It’s the one day out of the year that is “our” day, not about anybody else, just the two of us.  23 years ago we said I DO, we committed to each other, to love until death do us part, and we kept that promise.  We never missed celebrating this day, not one year, we celebrated it every single year.  Most years we went away to celebrate, whether it was a one or two night stay, or a longer one, we would make it a point to really celebrate this special day that joined us together forever.

And now, it’s just me celebrating us, remembering, missing and hurting.  One day I hope to actually celebrate this day, I don’t know how yet, whatever it is, it will be me.  I want this day to be mine, all other days of the year are both the boys and mine, but this one is mine.

I was distracted for a long time today, which was good.  First thing in the morning, was hard, very hard.  I actually got up and went back to bed.  I was ready to just lay there for as long as I could until I had to get up and wake up the boys for the soccer tournament.  But then as I went back to bed, Apollo reminded me, that he and Rocky needed me, they needed to go out, and going back to bed wasn’t an option.  And thus started my distractions.  I still had my shower time, which was extra long today, but then the boys were up, we had to get ready to go, then we had games with a snack lunch picnic in between games.

There were lots of people there, people I could talk to, people that hadn’t seen us in a while.  And then there were the games, I “had” to yell at the kids and at the ref, it’s my thing.  I’m that mom…

After we got home, I was expecting to have some time when I had no distractions, but once again I was happily wrong.  The doggies of course needed to go out and needed attention after being alone for some hours.  But the best part was, there was a huge box of flowers at my door and a little package from amazon.  The flowers were two big bouquets of sunflowers that three dear friends had sent me to make my day better, to make me smile.  They were to be going to dinner with me tonight, but all three were busy, but they didn’t forget.  They put a smile on my face, sooooooooooo big!!!!  The flowers are beautiful, and there are so many of them!

The amazon box had a Remembrance angel from Willow Tree.  It’s beautiful, it’s the reminder that I hold the memories of what was, the happy days, and I can bring them up anytime I need them.   A sweet friend who went through some tough loss in her own life sent it to me, it’s not the same kind of loss, but at a certain level, she understands some of what I’m going through.

And then later, the bell rang when I was getting ready, when I came down there was a beautiful arrangement of sunflowers dropped off at my door.  I loved every single one of them, not for the gifts, but because all these friends remembered this special day and they wall want to do something to comfort me, make it a little easier.

After I had smiles on my face from all these unexpected gifts, the best gift of all.  Three best friends, three of the most awesome girls a girl could ask for, to be her friends, they took me to a special anniversary dinner.  I could not go to dinner with my “happily ever after”, because he is no longer.  So these girls invited me to a girls night and treated me to one of the best dinners I could have asked for.  This dinner turned out into a good time, lots of laughs, lots of talking, lots of girl fun.  Before I knew it, it was really ate, and by the time I got home it was almost the 30th.

Not that life is any easier on the 30th than it was on the 29th, but in my head, these two days are totally different.  I probably would have spent the whole night on the couch, sulking, crying, feeling sorry for myself.  Instead I was out enjoying myself, the way it should be, but no longer is very much.

I will never again have somebody to celebrate with on August 29th every year, and though I will be alone, I will never be alone.  I have the best group of friends behind me, to take care of me, support me, comfort me, laugh with me, make me feel better.  Every single day.

I wore a date night dress to dinner, these are dresses that are either, very low cut, very tight, short or all two or three.  I also wore date night shoes, which are high and hard to walk in.  I put on make up, which I haven’t done in over three months.  I made sure it would be a good night and that I would honor us.  Though I wasn’t going out with Aires, we were going out to celebrate our anniversary, so I dressed like I would have if I had gone out with Aires.

Taking care of myself has been one of the biggest struggles.  There is no one to make myself pretty for, what’s the point in looking nice?  Well, I like to take care of myself for myself too.  I have to put myself first sometimes, I have to do what is good and right for me.  Whether it’s getting a haircut, getting my nails done, shaving my legs or dressing up a little prettier every once in a while.  I do it for me, I also do it because I know it would make Aires happy to see me taking care of myself.  Every time I dressed myself a little better, Aires had a smile when looking at me, on date nights, he would she a naughty smile all night looking at me.  It was a great feeling to feel not just loved, but wanted, the same now 23 years later as it was the first day.

I could totally just let myself go right now, but then I wouldn’t be honoring Aires’ memory in any way, it would be something he would never want me to do.  I would also not be true to myself, I learned a long time ago, probably a year after I had Jake, that if I’m not happy, nobody’s happy.  That it’s important for me to put myself first, to take care of me, to make me feel good.  That was a lesson that it took me a long time to learn, to put myself first, but it’s a lesson I don’t want to forget.

In the end, this day was a mix of good, bad, agonizing, enjoyable, crying, laughing, my emotions went from one end of the spectrum to the other.  I survived it, it was the hardest day so far, but it’s now done.  I saw several butterflies during the day, in our own front yard, at the soccer field, and one particular one that flew around us for a little bit, while we were picnicking at soccer.

As with everything else, every single other day, I wake up in the morning, and I go to sleep at night.  The day goes on from morning until night.  One at a time, all days will come and go.  They will all pass, no matter how hard they are, how much I muddle through and suffer through them, they all begin and end and just keep coming.  Time goes by.  I can’t make it stop.  I wish I could… I wish I could make it go backwards…

  

 
  
  
  

Tomorrow

I will tell you right now, tomorrow is not going to be good.  I’m ready to just “pretend” it’s not what it is.  A birthday I can handle, I can plan for, I can celebrate with the boys, I can make it a positive day.  An anniversary is a whole other thing.  I have no plans to do anything tomorrow to celebrate, I just can’t even think about it.

Josh has a soccer tournament all day, and then some good friends, sisters, really, are taking me out to dinner, to celebrate with me, just so I’m not alone on what usually was one of the very best days of the year.  The day we looked back at how far we had come, the day that it felt like we had just said “I do” the day before, and yet it was so many years ago.

I thought about it a lot, and all I can do when I start thinking about tomorrow is cry.  I’ve tried to come with up with an idea of something to do with the boys, but this wasn’t their day, it never was, it was our day.  I’m not going to go out and do anything alone, it just doesn’t feel right.

There are not enough words of loss and pain to express how much I miss my husband, his physical presence, his calm, his gentle touch, the balance that he was in my life.  He made my crazy calm, he knew what to do, what to say, on every occasion.  I will never have that again, and it hurts, every second of every day, but tomorrow it will hurt more than usual.

Looking at the pictures, the memories, the years we spent together, the wound that is in my heart, my soul, just gets wider and deeper.  Tomorrow won’t be about how my babies will grow up without a daddy, tomorrow will be about how I will grow old alone, how my life will never ever be what I had planned and so wanted it to be.  Tomorrow will be the first time that I won’t be able to say “happy anniversary!” as soon as I open my eyes.

I’ve decided that I’m going to just go as numb as I can, I’m not going to be able to function very well if I’m a mess.  We are going to have to be out all day, I’m going to have to support the team, be there for Josh, keep Jake happy and occupied.  I’m going to go into my numb state, the one I know so well, the one where my brain shuts off everything so that I can function, survive and not crash.

Not since I walked into the hospital room and saw Aires have I felt this sad and desperate.  I looked at him, and I knew he was gone, I knew he wasn’t there, anymore, I knew he was gone, that was just his body, he was gone forever.  There are no words to explain what happens when your worlds comes crashing down completely, into tiny little pieces in just one second, one look, and I knew.  I went into shock, it was the only way to deal with it, to shut down completely, no emotions, just one foot in front of the other.

The way I feel right now, is just like that… I can’t handle it, I can’t handle the day, all the emotions and pain that come with it.  Instead, I’m sitting here, losing it right now, the tears flow, the emotions are running wild, right now I’m the mess I should be tomorrow, but will not allow myself to be.  I’m sure I’ll lose it, for sure as soon as I wake up and talk to an empty pillow, but then that will be it.

Don’t tell me that I need to let it out, and just let the emotions flow, that’s not what I need, that’s what I’m doing right now.  I know what works for me, I know what I have to do to make it to the next day.

If you are lucky enough to have a husband, or a wife, and love them with all your heart, tell them.  Give them the freedom to be who they are, to live their life with your, but to live their own life separate from yours, and you do the same.  Encourage to follow their dreams, whatever they happen to be, support them, even if you think it’s the craziest thing you ever heard.  Hold their hand, look them in the eye and tell them how they make you feel.  Go on date nights, lots of them, go away on trips just the two of you, live the life you had before you had kids.  Don’t be needy, make their your whole world, but share them with the world.  These are a few of the things Aires and I did, over the years, if there’s a “formula” for happiness, I don’t know, we made our own formula, it worked for us.  Having had ten years of marriage before kids, gave us a strong foundation as a couple.  Always joking, but Aires often asked how many more years until the kids finally moved out so we could go back to our life of two, and enjoy each other the way we used to do when we were young.

I miss everything about him, the good, the bad, because to me, in the end, it was all good.  He was my person and I was his.  And now, I’m just me.

This was our anniversary last year.  Our last one.

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Not guilty

I touched on this before, but I want to go there again.  With all that has been going on all summer, sometimes, not often, I feel a little guilty for being out there “having fun” while Aires is gone, not there with us.  The feeling doesn’t last long though, because there is no reason for it.

I guess it’s normal to feel the guilt of being the one still alive, the one still going around doing stuff, fun stuff, enjoying the situations life brings us or we make for ourselves.  But then I remember, that right from the beginning, when I promised the boys that life would remain the same, though everything had changed, I would do my best to keep everything the same.  Part of keeping it the same is going out and doing stuff, having fun, enjoying new places, old places, new situations, foods, events.  This is what we do every summer, this may be the last summer I’m able to do that with the boys, I was not going to stop now.

As I’ve said many times before, the boys take all their cues from me, if I were to just stay home and do nothing, that’s what they would do as well, probably play video games all summer, but that’s not what we do all summer.  We go out, we enjoy, we do things.  So that’s what we did, and instead of feeling guilty, I mostly would feel sad and feel the void, the one person missing in the picture.  But not guilty, Aires wouldn’t want me to stop doing what we always did, he was the first to encourage me to go crazy with my planning.  He was also the first to tell me to stop going crazy because we wouldn’t have a day left to just do nothing 😉

If I were to feel guilty, then I would not do anything, to stop the feeling.  What good would that do?  Nothing, it would be the exact same as sitting around all depressed instead of up and going.  The example I’m setting for the boys is that though we’ve been dealt a horrible hand, and our whole life is up in the air right now, we will be okay, our lives will continue to be as normal as I can make them.

When I wake up every day, I have to decide right then and there what kind of day it’s going to be.  Most days will start with some tears, but that’s fine.  I’ll pull myself together and make it a good day, or an okay day, or a day that I put my smile on for the boys when all I want to do is cry, but I pull through.  And the boys do too, and that is what makes it all worth in the end.

I don’t cry during the day.  When I do, it’s hard to stop, and I can’t function when going around all day crying, it’s just not in me.  The people who know me well know that I’m not a crying kind of person, at.all!!!!  I have my little crying routine, I allow myself to cry when I wake up, when I walk the dogs, when I’m in the shower.  Then again at night when I’m writing the blog.  There are days, the hard days, I allow myself to cry when I’m driving, or when I go take a “nap”.  But I’m not the type of person who can cry on and off all day long, nothing wrong with it, it’s just not me.  I’m also not a cryer in front of people, I can talk about most everything without shedding a tear in front of people, if I even think it when alone, I right away get a knot in my throat.  That’s me, that’s who I am, I’m not changing.

There are days that I feel weak, I don’t want to move, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to be part of life.  And I just feel like being in bed all day, I really do.  But that’s just not doable, not yet.  Maybe I can do that one day while the boys are in school.  I need a day or two where I can sit in bed and cry and do nothing for a few hours, but that day hasn’t happened yet.  I’ve had to be here for the boys, for the furbabies, even for me.  I know I need to decompress, I’ll need to catch my breath, I’ve been holding it for a while.  I will need to spend a few days, or a few hours a day for a few days, not being strong for anybody.

Life isn’t easy, life is totally new, I’m relearning it all over again, what to do, how to do it, what’s next, how to navigate these waters.  You would imagine that everything is the same, only there’s a person missing, but everything though the same, is completely different.  I’m not the same person, never will be again.  The boys are not the same, life is not the same.  It’s not fair, it’s maddening, the anger inside of me is not going away, not by a long shot.  I don’t talk about it, it’s best left where it is, it’s my anger, I am holding on to it, I don’t want to let it go.

There is no right or wrong way of how to navigate this new life, only what’s right for us.  And that’s what I’m trying to figure out and live, one day at a time.

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Can’t catch my breath

After yesterday, today felt a little anticlimactic.  As most of you know, I thrive on planning, and though it I wasn’t planning a fun event, I was still planning a birthday celebration.  I’ve been planning it little by little for the past two months. It was very painful to do, there was nothing fun about it, but it was still planning.

And yesterday, it all came through according to plan.  Not many times have I ever said that everything came out exactly as planned, but yesterday did.  There was only one time that I couldn’t hold it and cried in front of the boys.  Not that I couldn’t and don’t cry in front of them, but I wanted yesterday to be about celebration, about remembering daddy in a positive way.

I kept most of the plans to myself, I shared a couple of things here and there with some people, but never told anybody everything.  I wanted to keep the day for just the four of us, Aires and the three of us.  I wanted it to be special to us, the four of us, before I shared it with the world.  And special it was, I loved that the boys had smiles on their faces, and enjoyed the new things we did to celebrate daddy.  The lanterns were a big hit, the night away in a hotel is always a favorite, and National Harbor itself was fun for them.

They didn’t even bat an eye when I had cake and candle, and we sang happy birthday.  To them it was a birthday celebration, it made sense, I made it all very matter of fact so that they wouldn’t feel “weird” doing any of it.

But then today, today was strange.  There was nothing else to do, nothing to plan, it was all done.  Back to “normal” life, we came home, there was the middle school open house for Josh, both boys had practice, open house for Jake tomorrow, classroom visit on Friday, etc., etc., etc.  Life just goes on, and then I started to not be able to catch my breath again.  I breathe deeply, but can never catch my breath.

All morning we walked around National Harbor, we enjoyed the place, even Josh was enjoying walking around, which is strange.  The whole time, it’s like I was in an echo room, everything around me was a little slower than normal speed and sounds were like in a vacuum, an echo.  I kept going through the motions, but nothing was “real”.

In the afternoon it was the hustle and bustle of “normal” life.  Between those two, I was breathing deeply and not catching my breath.  I had to stop, after I dropped off Jake at practice and get myself back in place.  I had to analyze what was making me not be able to breathe.

Of course it’s no surprise, it’s the same as before, it’s always one of a few things.  This time it was the “life goes on” part of it.  Celebrating Aires’ birthday, making him so present with us, made me once again realize how he’s not here, and how badly I want him to be, how badly we need him to be.  It’s not just the help when I need back up to be two places at once with the boys sports or events, it’s just that he’s gone and he’ll miss everything, every single thing that happens now and for many years to come.

Life goes on, I want it to stop because I don’t want it to keep going, but it doesn’t listen to me, it does keep going.  I believe this feeling will happen many times over the rest of my life, it’s not something I will ever get used to.  And this is the way I deal with it, this is the way I cope, this is the way I realize that I need to stop, or slow down and figure myself out, calm myself down.  I don’t need a therapist to do it, I can do it myself.  I recognize it, I can figure out what is bothering me and deal with it.  The only thing, person, I need, the person that would make all this go away, is gone.

So, no, therapy isn’t going to help me, books aren’t going to help me, I’m going to help me.  If I ever feel the need to go see a therapist, I will, I have no issues with therapists, nothing against them.  But right now, I’m doing well on my own, I prefer to do it on my own.

I can’t be okay right now, my husband just had a birthday, a birthday we celebrated without him.  Right now, I should be in Florida, alone with him enjoying five days away, just us, no kids, having fun as we did every year, fun like when we were first married and had no kids yet.  I can’t be okay, nothing about this time is okay.  It’s okay though that I can’t catch my breath, it’s actually very normal I would say, if I was going around perfectly fine, then I would worry.  Then I think I should go see a therapist.

Sometimes the last two months feel like two years, sometimes it feels like two days, it’s a roller coaster, a constant one.  I’m doing the best I can do, I think I’m doing pretty good considering what I’ve been through, I think the boys are doing really well considering they lost a whole parent, a person that meant the world to them, who gave them love, guidance, security, somebody who would do anything for them, and they knew it.  We are doing okay, we’re living one day at a time, we’re taking them as they come, and we’re making it up as we go.  But I do believe we’re doing the best we can, it’s all we can do.

I know I keep saying the same thing in different ways, but I have to let it out.

I also think that I will need to find something else to plan for, another event, another something.  It keeps my mind busy and my heart too.  Planning these special things to celebrate Aires’ birthday made my heart happy.  Because I was doing something for him, for the boys, for all of us.  It made me feel good in a way, I need to do it again.

In time, I may do something bigger, I’ve had an idea, but it requires a lot of time, and I don’t even know if the idea would fly.  I would like to try it someday, but for now, I’m sticking to the family, the four of us, or the six of us.  For now we’ll just be thankful that we were able to celebrate daddy’s birthday, that we sang happy birthday, that we had lanterns, that the boys did a little bit of golf, that I got a tattoo, that we celebrated the person in this world we will always miss most, every single day.

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 Ten years ago yesterday.

    

Happy Birthday

I’ve been dreading today for a long time.  It’s one thing to celebrate someone’s birthday while missing an important person, like a daddy.  It’s another thing to celebrate the missing person’s birthday.  That person is gone, we can’t do much about it, and no matter what we do to celebrate, the fact that the person is gone, is everpresent.  

I tried to make today all about Aires, the boys hit some golf balls, I got the tattoo, we went to dinner, we toasted him, we had brownie cake, we sang and blew the candle and we sent the lanterns up.  The thing is, for all of those things, daddy wasn’t there.  

The tattoo was about him, but n0thing I would have done if he was alive.  The lanterns were about him, but once again, nothing we probably would have done if he was alive.  The boys would have gone playing golf with daddy, not just hit some balls.  It was all about daddy, but daddy was definitely missing.

I started today by crying, as soon as I opened my eyes, it started.  And it continued until about mid afternoon.  And I cried in front of the boys, Josh immediately became protective, and for hours after would look me in the eye to see if I was crying.

You see, the thing is, I was supposed to be in Key West right now with Aires.  It was our annual bday/anniversary trip away.  We’ve been wanting to go for so many year, it just never worked out.  Finally this year, it did.  We had reservations for plane, hotel and car.  We were set to go.  Aires has been the one asking to go to Key West, he was very excited that we were finally going!!!

But instead of being in Key West, I had to cancel all those reservations and instead make different plans, plans about daddy, but that did not involve daddy in any way.  It was hard, to think that we were finally going to go somewhere he had so much wanted to go, and then – stop, no go!!!

To say that it’s been a stressful, exhausting is an understatement.  But at the same time it was a rewarding day, I was able to do all I planned and keep the boys happy.  I wanted to celebrate daddy’s life, not his death and that is what we did.

I’m proud of us for surviving this day, we did it, and now it’s time to sleep.  I’m literally falling asleep and typing.  My brain, my body can not take anymore, they’re shutting down.

To say that we miss Aires doesn’t even begin to cover it. We miss him in every way possible, we miss him more than we can express. I wish today had been different. I wish he could have blown his own candle, and had been along for the day. But he wasn’t, and that’s that. 

Thank you for all your support, you were wonderfult, with notes, and cards, and a surprise awesome present, it was good to feel your presence and love all around us.
  

Hard week

You know those days when you realize that you’re not dealing with stuff on purpose?  And you’re pretending all is well on purpose?  And you try not to sit still for too long because your brain might catch up to what you’re trying to trick it into?

Yeah, today was one of those days.  This week is a hard week, used to be one of the happiest weeks of the year, lots of celebrating, lots of smiles and pictures, usually a trip away without the kids.

Now this week is just another sad reminder that all has changed.  And when it’s something every other day, the brain needs to rest.  When I saw a message last night that the PTA needed help at school today, I almost jumped for joy.  I had something to keep me busy and occupied all morning.

It’s not like I still don’t have a few phone calls to make, and things to deal with, after all we’re still in the middle of everything.  Life insurance, Social Security, lawyers, accountant, financial people from different places.  Not much is set and done yet.  The credit cards and miles/award programs are all in my name.  That’s done, and that’s about all that is d.o.n.e.  Nothing else is finished.

It just keeps adding to the stress, every day I thank my stars for the Go Fund Me, without that life would have been very different.  Being in this situation is bad enough, I feel for the people who have to be going through this and trying to figure out a way to stay afloat and out of debt while trying to get the money that belongs to them.

But I digress, today was just that, a day between yesterday and tomorrow.  A day to do as much as I could to just get through it, as fast as I could, without really realizing it was going.  I still ended up doing the things I had on my list to do, and I volunteered at school, which always makes me happy.

All day though, the brain kept trying to catch up, and I kept running from it.  I’m not ready for all these firsts, all the things that I dread and then they’re here and I don’t want them to be.  I want to pretend that they will not happen if Aires is not here, I want to believe that he will be here for them, but he’s not.  And so I hurt, and my brain helps me cope, it does what I need, what I tell it to do in order to keep moving forward.

I know one day it will catch up, I hope it takes many days, I hope it catches up one little thing at a time, to allow me to breathe in between catching up, but for now, I’m not ready, I still need the moments of running from reality, of protecting myself from the immeasurable pain.

Most of you don’t know why I’m talking about this week being hard.  Some of you do.  Yesterday with family pictures being the three of us, it was hard.  Tomorrow it’s another very hard day.  I will tell you about it tomorrow, right now I can’t even type the words.

And once again, I want to thank you all for reading, for your kind words, for holding us in your hearts, for praying for us, for supporting us, for dropping off little surprises at our door, for being there, for being our friends.  You can not imagine the amount of strength I get from you all surrounding us with such love.

  

Just no

 

 

 

This should not have happened.

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This should have been our life for MANY years to come.

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This was not my plan for when I’m 60, 70, 80, maybe even 90.

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This was always my plan, I never even had a day of doubt in all 24 years we were together.  From the moment we started dating.

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I just can’t…

Made it a good day

I’m exhausted, as a matter of fact I’m almost falling asleep as I sit here at the computer.  For some reason I normally don’t write until late at night.  I guess maybe because it finally lets me get stuff off my chest, lets me cry and then I’m ready to go to bed and just crash.

But with the furbabies waking me  up early, and me having this habit of waiting until really late to write and finally go to bed, it’s getting me overtired.  And then days like this, when there’s extra stress, and extra walking around, it gets crazy tiring by bedtime.

I’ve however started to be very thankful for busy days, because I’m so concentrated on whatever is going on that I don’t focus so much on everything else going on in life.  Traffic had me yelling inside my head this morning, while the brain is occupied with all the traffic and the idiots, it’s not thinking about what it normally thinks about, over and over again.  When Apollo is puking in the back of the car, and I have to stop and clean it and then he does it again, it keeps my brain busy on all the ways I have to change these morning routines when I have to put him in the car early.  Cleaning the car after putting the dogs in the kennel and before we entered the park, definitely had my mind not on my usual worries.

Seeing the boys’ faces full of smiles, definitely made my brain go the total opposite way of sad.  Running around the park several times for the boys to do the rides they like and go eat in the restaurants they asked to go to, kept the planning part of the brain busy and occupied.

Friends texting and Facebook kept me busy while the boys were waiting in line.  I waited with them most of the line, and then I would leave before they got on the ride, between telling then to get off each other and the phone I was busy most of the day.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve been tired, exhausted since day one.  I’ve not found myself rested in over two months.  And the brain is the worst of it all, my brain never ever stops thinking.  I can not shut it down, it goes to bed thinking, it wakes up thinking, always has.  It’s never quiet up there, and that is part of why I’m so exhausted too, stress all around me and in me as well, full time for two months straight, it’s not easy.  So, days like this, when the brain is busy with so many other things that it doesn’t have much time to think about anything else, are great.  I know that’s what’s happening, I actually try to keep myself busy thinking about other stuff so that I can have a brain break.  But the distractions do help a lot in that process.

Today was a good day, there aren’t very many of them, but after a few bad ones in a row, I make myself have a break, make myself have a good day and easy up on the stress for a minute.  It’s a balance, I don’t plan the bad days, they just happen, sometimes I’m surprised by the good days, sometimes I try to make myself have a good day, like today.

I made myself have a good day today, because there are a few very bad ones coming up soon, I know it, I’m not looking forward to what it’s going to be like, but all firsts are all firsts and they just have to happen, whether I want them or not, whether I dread them or not, whether I try to not think about them coming up or not, they just come.