The boys and I went to the beach alone today, my mom decided to stay home and nurse her sunburn back. It was kind of cathartic, we had not been alone at the beach yet. It was us, just the three of us, and it sunk in, for me and Josh at least.
Not long after we were at the beach, Josh came to me and asked if we were going to do “the picture” this year. You see, every year, since Jake was born, I’ve taken a picture of Aires and the boys at the beach, they’re facing the water and I take a picture of their back. It has become my favorite picture of the three of them, I look forward to taking it every year. But this year, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to make the boys take a picture that would hurt them, because they would be doing it without daddy. And so I hadn’t asked them about it yet, I wanted to take the picture, because we have to keep moving forward, and our traditions don’t stop because daddy’s no longer with us, they just change.
Having my sweet boy ask to take the picture was so nice, he understands, he knows it’s important to me, and he knows that life goes on. I have given him enough confidence to know that we’ll be okay, he is inspiring me. We took the picture, and some other ones we also used to do as three or four, and now did as two or three. Being alone at the beach was what we needed, we did what we needed to do, to move forward, to say that it was okay to keep going, just a little differently.
I took a picture of just the boys, and then I took one that had daddy’s space there, empty, but there… hoping that in spirit he’s still there with us. Though we’re without him, and we know it.
This started a without him theme for me, and the rest of the day, all I could think about were scenarios, our daily life, our forever life, without him. Many times I wanted to lose it, many times I went to the bathroom, and I took a really long shower tonight. The day is approaching that we’ll go back home, where everything is the same as when Aires last left to go to work. The clothes and shoes are in the closet, the bathroom stuff is all in the same place, everything is in place. The thought of going back home, without him there, is unbearable. I have five days to make it bearable. It’s forever without him, time to start getting used to it…